Coal Pressed Into Pearls
by hinkevanabbema
Summary: This is a Post-Mockingjay fanfiction from Peeta's POV. It is a sequel to Mockingjay - Peeta Mellark. This is canon compliant. I do not own the Hunger Games. In this fic Peeta and Katniss will continue their live in D12, together with Haymitch and others, like Delly and Garrett. The first chapter begins where Mockingjay chapter 27 ends. At the lake. This fic has 2 parts.
1. At the lake

**Coal Pressed Into Pearls**

**Part 1: Coal**

**Chapter 1 - At the lake **

So after, I whisper, "You love me. Real or not real?"  
>She tells me, "Real."<br>To hear her say the word is a relief. I didn't expect her to say anything else, but still. Finally she's willing to express her feelings to me in words. Of course her actions already proved her love for me and love is more than words. Katniss never was a woman of many words, and when she says something, she means it. Like that time on the beach when she told me she needed me. And now, after the storm, while we're trying to get a hold of our lives again and cope with our losses, she tells me her true feelings and all doubt is washed away. All the questions about where her heart truly lies are answered. She loves me. And I love her. We belong together and I know with all my heart that life can be good again.

We're at the lake in the forest next to District Twelve, where we just made love for the first time. I'm still lying on top of Katniss but place my arms on each side of her so I'm not putting all my weight on her. I look down into her silver eyes and brush the hair from her forehead. She smiles at me and mirrors my gesture. "You knew that it was real, right?" she asks.  
>"I did," I tell her, "But I needed you to say it."<br>She frowns a little as I roll off of her and go to lie next to her on my side. My hand trailing over her body, tracing the patterns of her scars. "I'm sorry for not telling you this before," Katniss says while staring up at the stars that are appearing in the night sky. "It was just too hard, with everything going on and all I could think of every minute of every day was how afraid I was."  
>"That's okay, Katniss," I say softly while my fingers caress the swell of her breast. She sighs deeply and takes my hand from her body and squeezes it. Turning to her side to look at me. "I'm serious though, I really am sorry for not being there when you needed me."<br>"But you were, you are here." I say, raising my eyebrows.  
>"Now, maybe," she sighs again, "But back in Thirteen…" her voice trails off.<br>"Back in Thirteen I was compromised. I believed you were a mutt, what could you have done?"  
>"You didn't believe that all the time, only in the beginning. Haymitch and Prim never gave up on you, I did." Katniss says.<br>"Why do you think that is?" I ask her, wondering about how it was for her back then. I'm thinking how me acting like I hated her guts must have been hard for her.  
>"I don't know," she whispers, the despair in her voice makes me pull her in my arms. "It's okay," I tell her again, "It's not like you didn't have anything else to deal with at that time. All the pressure of the rebellion. And we're here now, we made it through, even though the odds weren't in our favor."<br>"I've talked with Dr. Aurelius about this," Katniss says, "And I think that that was part of it. I couldn't believe you could come back to me, we were star-crossed. We've always been star-crossed."

We're silent for a little while, I'm watching the fire burn next to us, illuminating Katniss's face. Then Katniss continues. "The odds were really against us. And even with your first interview before our first Games, when you told him you had a crush on me, I didn't believe it. I didn't believe that you could really love me. I thought, if he really knew me, he wouldn't love me, he'd hate me. So when you came to Thirteen and stopped loving me..."

"You thought that was the point in my life that I really came to know you?" I ask. Katniss nods against my chest. I lift her face with my hand so I can look her in the eyes. "I hope you know that's not true. I think that was the moment in my life that I knew you the least. Knew myself the least too. You can't think that the way I acted then was because I saw who you truly were. I didn't see it at all."

"But I wasn't helping much," Katniss says, "I was mean to you."

"I was mean to you," I reply with a shrug, "You should stop blaming yourself. You don't see it, but I believe you're worth loving. I'm going to tell you this every day, until you believe it yourself. And even after that."

Katniss gives me a small smile, "You're amazing," she says, her eyes trail down my face, "And you're beautiful too. Did you know that?" She bends down and kisses me softly.

I smile against her lips, "No, I didn't, to be honest," I reply.

"You are," she whispers and presses against my lips with more persistence.

She shifts her body so she's on top of me while our kiss deepens. Our tongues darting around each other. Her soft body pressed against mine makes me want to be with her again, to bury myself inside of her. I roam my hands over her back and her buttocks and reach between her legs. Katniss is moaning against my lips, which only increases my arousal. She sits up and takes me in her hand and very carefully lowers herself down on me. We make love again. Katniss on top of me, moving slowly, her hips rotating against mine. She feels like heaven. As she starts to ride me in earnest I reach my hand between her legs and touch her where she wants to be touched. It doesn't take her long to reach an orgasm and I quickly follow. After we come back to our senses she falls down in my arms and whispers in my ear, "I love you, so much."

"I love you too," I tell her back. "You're my whole life."

"You said that to me on the beach in the Quarter Quell arena. Real or not real?" Katniss asks as she lifts her head and looks into my eyes.

"Real," I say smiling, "It's always been real."

"Do you remember everything that happened on that beach?" Katniss asks, "Because your memory loss is mostly centered around the Games, isn't it."

"That's true. So no, I don't remember everything." I tell her, "I mean, I've seen all the footage, but that's not the same as remembering it."

"Let me tell you," Katniss says, "And I'll show you too, what happened on that beach."

She tells me the story I've heard before, but this time from her perspective. How she felt when I told her to live and what that implied. How she didn't want me to die, no matter what happened. "At that moment I realized I would be damaged beyond repair if I lost you," she tells me, "And that's what I was, in District Thirteen, when you were tortured in the Capitol," she shivers at the memory.

"Don't talk about that," I say, "Talk about the beach."

"Yes, the beach." Katniss caresses my cheek and continues the story. "I told you I needed you and you were about to object to that, probably had a whole load of arguments ready to convince me. I couldn't hear it, I didn't want to hear it. So I stopped you with a kiss."

"I saw that," I say softly, "I think I remember it too, the feeling of your lips against mine. The saltiness of the water. The humid air, the sand. It's still somewhere inside of me."

"Good," Katniss smiles, "I kissed you and you kissed me back. It made me feel like I felt in the cave, wanting more. There were a lot of kisses in between, but they were all so filled with dread and having to give a convincing performance. This wasn't like that, this wasn't a kiss for performance. It was a kiss for us. I don't know for how long we kissed but it must have been more than twenty minutes. Then the lightning struck at midnight and that broke us apart," she sighs.

"You make it sound like you didn't really appreciate that," I tease.

Katniss lets out a laugh. "I didn't appreciate it at all," she says, "I wanted to do to you what we did just now!"

"With those cameras on us?" I ask, perplexed.

"Sure! Who cares?" she laughs, "We were dying anyways, right?"

"You're really not a prude anymore, are you?" I say, "Although I don't believe you really would've done it."

"Yes I would!" Katniss says, "I would've ripped your clothes off!"

At that I start laughing, "Sure you would."

She starts tickling me in my side and I squirm away from her, letting out a yell. "Shh," Katniss says, "Don't make so much noise, we're out in the open here."

"Well then, don't make me make noise." I say.

"Maybe we should set up the tent?" Katniss suggests. "It's getting late."

Together we take the tent out of the bag and set it up. Katniss ordered it from the Capitol, a couple of days ago. It's high quality stuff, won't let any rain through and it'll keep us warm. That isn't really necessary because it's summer and it's warm enough, but nonetheless it's convenient. When the tent is ready we crawl in there and I go to lie on the thin mattresses we brought with us, trying it out. It feels like a mattress filled with feathers. "I like this camping thing," I say, "And it's so much nicer without anyone wanting us dead."

"I don't know about that," Katniss says with mirth in her voice, sitting next to me, folding out a blanket, "There might be some wild dogs out there who don't mind drinking our blood."

"Oh just shut up," I say, trying to hold in the laughter, "Let's get some sleep."

Katniss goes to lie beside me and drapes the blanket over the both of us. Then she curls up in my arms. I kiss her on top of her head and whisper a good night wish.

We've stocked enough food and water to stay away for a couple of days. We spend them swimming in the lake, bathing in the sun. I sketch while Katniss hunts or sleeps. We talk about that night on the beach and other memories. Trying to speak only about the happy ones. The day with the picnic on the roof, the shellfish and the pearl on the beach, the lamb stew in the cave. Katniss can tell a story quite lively and some of the things she tells tugs at my memory and makes me remember it too.

But most of the time during this little vacation we make love. A lot. Katniss is so open and giving in my arms. Maybe she's not good with expressing her feelings in words but she is good at showing me her love. She has plenty to give.


	2. Considering traveling

**Chapter 2 – Considering traveling**

I'm sitting at our kitchen table, browsing through the magazine filled with kitchen supplies. Garrett is coming over later to discuss what to order for the bakery. We need multiple ovens and utensils. But also a counter, a cash desk, furniture. And smaller items like baskets and cups and saucers. Delly wants to add a corner with chairs and tables for people to sit. She already bought some stuff from the Capitol but most of it still needs to be ordered. The ovens, the counter and the coffee machine come from District Nine. District Nine is known for its grain and the factories that produce items directly linked to the grain. Ovens, and other kitchen supplies. My father and mother used to take care of these things, so I have no idea what to do, but thankfully the telephone number of the company is printed in the magazine so I decide to give them a call to find out how to place an order.

I go to the study and dial the number, after a few rings there's an answer. "Marks and Sabers Factory, this is Timon speaking, how can I help you?"

"Hello, you're speaking with Peeta Mellark," I tell the man on the phone, a little shy with using my name since I'm so well known in Panem. So I get to business before he can start asking me awkward questions. "I want to order several items from your catalog."

It doesn't work. "Mr. Peeta Mellark! What an honor," the man replies, "I can't believe I'm really speaking to Peeta Mellark. Thanks to your strength, we're a new country. Here in our district we are so proud of you and what you've done!"

I sigh, not sure what to answer. Honestly I have no idea what the man is talking about. What have I done, really? What is the strength he's referring to?

He notices my silence and starts to apologize, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to embarrass you. It's just, you and Katniss Everdeen. You gave us hope and upon that hope the strength to fight back. And don't worry, I know that your interviews with Caesar Flickerman were forced upon you. And everything you said about that cease fire was under duress, you didn't mean any of it."

"But that's not entirely true," I tell the man, a little angry at his blunt words, "I didn't want Snow's terror to continue. But I didn't trust those rebels either. And what's the result, huh? Thousands of people dead."

Timon, surprised at my outburst, stays silent for a while. "But… I mean…" he stammers, then he gets a grip on himself again and says, "I know the casualties are terrible. But for the remainder of our people, something good came out of it, right?"

I don't know what to say, Katniss's screams from last night's nightmare are resonating in my ears. Can I really say something good came out of it? Still, a part of me has to believe him, it has to be true that it wasn't all in vain. And although last night wasn't good, Katniss's nightmares are decreasing in number and intensity and so are my flashbacks. We're learning to live again, despite our losses.

"Don't think it was anything I did that overthrew Snow, though," I say finally.

"You shouldn't underestimate your own power, Mr. Mellark. And your influence, especially on the Mockingjay," Timon replies.

"What do you mean?" I ask, surprised.

"I just mean to say that she was inspired by you, that whole trick with the berries, that's where it all began."

His words are confusing me, I rub my eyes with my fists, wanting to hang up the phone. In a momentary lapse of reason I see Katniss ordering the fire bombs for Twelve, like they made me belief when I was hijacked. The whole trick. The whole trick with the berries. She tricked me. Not real. Not real.

I place the phone on the desk, close my eyes and massage my temples softy. Not real. Count to ten. I inhale deeply and open my eyes again. The room comes into focus and I hear a voice coming from the receiver. "Mr. Mellark, are you still there? Mr. Mellark."

Slowly I take the receiver and put it to my ear again. "Hello," my voice sounds off. "I think something went wrong with the connection, but I can hear you again."

"Okay," the man sounds rattled, he chooses to change the topic and I'm grateful when he finally arrives to my original request. "What kind of items are you looking for?"

"I need a few ovens, a counter and a coffee machine. We also need a check out center, kitchen utensils and furniture, but I don't know if you have that?" I ask, relieved at the subject change.

"We have that, at least, we're supposed to have it. Do you have a catalog?" he asks.

"I do" I answer, "Do you need catalog numbers?"

I give him the numbers of the items we want to order, but he interrupts me. "We don't have stone ovens, we only have electric ones."

"Electric ovens are no good," I say, "Your catalog says you do have stone ovens."

"I know, but we're out of them and the producers who made them have been killed during a bombing," he explains, "We're mostly just dealing with whatever left-over stock we still have since before the war. We just finished the rebuild of the factory and started producing the first shipment of items. But not the bigger equipment yet."

"So what does that mean for us?" I ask, "We're starting a bakery in Twelve and we need it."

"The fastest way is for you to come here to see with your own eyes what the possibilities are, talk with the manufacturers and check our storage for anything useful," Timon explains to me.

"We have to come there?" I ask.

"You know what you want and we can't help you from a distance," he answers, "There's not enough knowledge here to do it any other way. Like I said, we lost most of the experienced manufacturers."

"Okay," I say, "We can come, if it's really necessary."

"Mr. Mellark, trust me," he says, "If it wasn't necessary I wouldn't have suggested it."

At that moment the doorbell rings, that must be Garrett. "I have to go," I say, "I'll discuss this with my partner and let you know when we're coming."

"That's great," Timon says, "We're looking forward to having you here, sir. Will Ms. Everdeen join you?"

"No," I say curtly, "I will call you back to inform you on our plans. Good day."

I disconnect and walk to the front door to let Garrett in. He looks worried. "Are you okay?" he asks, "You look upset."

"I am upset," I say, "I just dodged a flashback and handled an annoying employee from the Marks and Sabers Factory."

"Let's have a seat," Garrett says as he leads me to the kitchen. I sit down while he pours us both some juice. Garrett knows about my flashbacks and what caused them. If we are going to work together, he needs to recognize them and how to deal with me if ever one should hit me. So I told him about them in one of our first meetings.

While Garrett is eating a ginger cookie, I explain what the man said about me being sort of a hero and how his use of words almost send me into a very wrong flashback. "Katniss's trick with the berries, he'd said. It got me so upset," I inhale deeply.

Garrett comes to sit next to me and places his hand on my shoulder. "That's because the word 'trick' makes it sound like it was something that wasn't real while you thought it was. You know that's always the core of the problem. The reason why you suffer from flashbacks. You have to talk to Katniss about these berries. She holds the key, as usual."

I nod, Garrett's right and I'm lucky to have found such a good friend in him. We talked a lot ever since we sealed the deal for the bakery early in July. We had a good connection from the get-go and we became friends fast. Now August is coming to its end, the buildings in the square are almost finished and the opening of the bakery is only weeks away. That is, if we can get the equipment we need.

After we've finished our drinks I tell him what the man said about having to go to Nine for the supplies and machines.

"Okay, nice, we have to go on a road trip!" Garrett says. "I can ask Delly to take care of my kids. They're already in love with her!"

I'm thinking how maybe there's someone else too who's in love with Delly. Garrett spends a lot of time with her, and even though there's an age difference of about ten years they seem to really hit it off.

"I've never been to Nine before, so I'm curious," Garrett continues.

"It's a long trip," I tell him, remembering the district from the Victory Tour. "We won't be able to do it in one day, we'd have to stay the night. Probably more than one."

He takes a long look at my worried face. "Is that a problem?"

"Katniss won't be able to come," I confess to him, "She's not allowed to leave the district and I don't feel comfortable leaving her alone for so long."

"Maybe it will be fine, it's not that long," Garrett says, "I mean, being apart from each other can be good sometimes. So you won't take each other for granted."

"I don't think we take each other for granted," I say. "But I'll tell her about the trip and see what she thinks."

"I'm sure you both can handle being away from each other for a short time." Garrett says reassuringly. "And going there ourselves will guarantee that we'll get the right stuff."

"I know," I say, "I don't mind going, I just hope she'll be okay."

I'm not sure if this is the truth, because when I think about leaving Katniss behind and going away for days, it makes me feel uncomfortable and sad too. It's as if the idea of being alone leaves me aching for her. I don't want to go anywhere when she's not coming with me.

Half way through the afternoon Katniss comes back from hunting. She brings back a couple of squirrels and a turkey. After she dumps them on the counter of the kitchen she gives me a kiss. "How was your day?"

"Fine," I say as I get up and pull her in my arms, "But I have something to tell you."

I give her a full report on the phone call with Timon and my conversation with Garrett after that, but I leave out the part with the berries. I don't know how to bring it up and I don't want to give her the feeling she has to defend herself. Garrett was right though, I have to talk to her about it some time, otherwise it would come to haunt me sooner than later.

Katniss takes the news of me leaving the district for a couple of days rather well. "I can manage being alone for some time. As long as you come back."

"Of course I'll come back," I say as I tighten my arms around her, "But I don't like leaving you here alone."

"I'm going to miss you, but I won't be alone," she answers, she rests her chin on my shoulder and her breath is tickling my ear. "Haymitch will be here, and Delly and Graesy Sae."

"Delly is going to babysit Garrett's kids," I tell her, "Maybe you can help her with that."

"Hmm, a couple of annoying kids, that sounds like fun!" Katniss laughs.

"I'm sure you'll do great with them," I say, "Let's go see how Haymitch is doing and if he's up for dinner with us tonight."

We have dinner with the three of us that night. Roasted squirrel with mashed potatoes and I made a pumpkin pie for desert. Haymitch lingers after dinner, he and Katniss are working on adding the kids he mentored to the memory book. We're discussing the letter that arrived yesterday from the War Memorial Committee. There's going to be a memorial in town. Each district will get a statue or something where we can have a memorial service every year. Every former citizen from District Twelve can vote on what form the statue should take. The letter says our opinion, as remaining victors, will be weighed in considering the outcome. Katniss says she isn't interested. "I want them to leave us alone," she says with an edge in her voice, "I don't want these letters, or people from the Capitol forcing themselves on us."

"They're just asking for our opinion, it's an attempt to be considerate." I say. "They're not trying to force you to do anything."

"I know," Katniss says, while writing down the names of the tributes. "It's just, I want to decide for myself when I'm ready for this. Memorials, services. It all sounds like a public thing, with cameras and people asking us questions. I really don't want that."

"Me neither," I say, "I've had enough of cameras for the rest of my life."

"Let's just tell them that," Haymitch suggests, "Tell them that they can do whatever they want but that they shouldn't expect any cooperation from us."

"Okay, I'll write that down," I say, "One letter for the three of us would suffice, right?"

We continue our work quietly. Haymitch is telling Katniss in sober wording what to write about the tributes while I compose a letter for the government in which I explain our position and especially our aversion for cameras and being part of a public event.

When I finish the letter I read it aloud to Haymitch and Katniss, who approve. Then I give Garrett a call to discuss our plans for visiting District Nine. I tell him Katniss is okay with it and we settle on leaving next week.


	3. The trick with the berries

**Chapter 3 –The trick with the berries**

It takes only a couple of days for the trick with the berries to come back to taunt me. It's not a flashback but a nightmare. Katniss and I are back in the arena, standing next to the lake with the nightlock berries in our hands. Ready for our double suicide act.

"Why do you want to do this?" I ask her, "Why are you willing to die?"

"I'm not," she answers, "But you have to die for me to go home."

The coldness in her voice breaks my heart and I eat the berries without giving her another glance. When I wake up my whole body is rigid with tension. A voice in my head tells me it was just a dream, but Timon's voice is there too, "That whole trick with the berries," he says and then he begins to laugh really hard.

I sit up in bed and try to shake off the anxiety. Katniss, next to me, wakes up from my stirring.

"What's wrong?" she whispers in the dark and reaches for me. I ball my hands into fists, starting to feel nervous. I don't want to tell her but I know I have to.

"It was a dream," I say softly. Katniss sits up too and turns on the light on the nightstand. She brushes my hair from my forehead. "Tell me."

Hesitantly I tell her what Timon said and how, in my dream, she refused to eat the berries and let me die alone. Katniss wraps her arms around me. "I could never do that," she whispers, "You know that, right?"

I try to relax in her arms but it's not quite working. "But why," I say, "Why did you hold out those berries?"

Katniss sighs and is quiet for a while. When she starts speaking her voice is small, "I've asked myself that question a thousand times. Everyone interpreted it differently. Because I loved you, because it was an act of rebellion, because-"

"I don't care about how other people interpreted it," I reply a little irritated. "Why did you do it? What was your reason?"

"I was trying to think my way out of it." Katniss says softly. "Your death wasn't an option, I'd never get over that, I'd be stuck in that arena for life without you. I mean… in my head."

I nod, I can relate to what she's saying. Even now, we both still spend time in the arena, in both of the arenas, really. No matter how hard we try not to, it never truly goes away.

"My death wasn't an option," Katniss continues, "You would never let me. At that moment I thought it would've been the easy way out, but you were unrelenting. So what choice did we have?"

"No other choice than to defy the Gamemakers." I say.

"Exactly," she smiles a little, "We refused to be a piece in their Games."

"We could have died." I point out. Katniss tightens her arms around me, "True, but then we'd be together too, in death."

"Did you want to be together?" I ask the question that really is the base of the problem. "Did you want to be with me then?"

"I want to be with you now," Katniss answers. "Isn't that what matters?"

"I guess so, but it's not really an answer to the question," I probe. Somehow Katniss avoiding the question like this feels very unsatisfying.

"I don't know what I wanted back then," she sighs, "It was so confusing. During the Games, all I was trying to do was getting both of us out of there alive. After the Games, Haymitch said I needed to play out the 'girl in love' thing. He made me so afraid of the consequences that I focused more on that than on anything else. Like I said to you before, the only thing I could think about was how afraid I was. And at that point in my life, after the Games, I didn't want any romantic love. Marriage wasn't an option because it would lead inevitably to children. Their names would come in the reaping balls. Imagine, a kid of two victors. That's a guarantee for a ticket to the Games."

A shiver runs through my body at this idea. The feeling of fear for our child being reaped is so great that it brings tears in my eyes. I'm thinking back to that night of the interviews before the Quell. How I felt lost and upset at the thought of my fictional child.

"I understand what you mean," I say to Katniss, who's still holding on to me. "The idea of our kid in the Games is horrifying. It's just, I want to know if it was an act, if all of it was just an act."

"Not all of it," Katniss muses, "I didn't want to lose you. I never wanted to lose you."

There are tears in her eyes now and I feel guilty for making her relive those horrifying moments. "You won't lose me," I say, "And I'm sorry that I'm dragging you down with me."

"That's okay," Katniss says, "I want to help you, I know talking things through is better for you, even though I find it hard."

I look into her silver grey eyes, shining when she stares at me. "Thank you," I whisper and I kiss her softly on her lips. "Thank you for understanding. Because you were right earlier, you want to be with me now and we are together. So that's what matters."

"It's also important to discern the truth," Katniss replies, "Please know that the truth is that I never intended to leave that arena alive without you. That's what that whole trick with the berries means. Me not willing to let you go." With this she kisses me back, more intensely now.

Her lips move against mine and I slowly part them to let her in. She tastes like pine needles and more, a sweet scent that is totally hers. Her lips are soft and insistent against mine. She softly strokes her tongue over my teeth and swirls it around mine. While I sink into the kiss her arms shift under my shirt and caress my back. One of her hands goes down and slips under the elastic of my shorts. Her touch makes me tremble and a great feeling of desire surges through me. I could never stop wanting her, feeling her, loving her. While I'm still lost in this overwhelming feeling of love and desire, Katniss breaks our kiss and takes of my shirt and hers in the same motion. Both her hands are now under my shorts and she slowly drags it down over my legs. She takes me in her hand and strokes me softly. I let out a moan of pleasure. "I love you," she whispers, "Let me show you that I do." She starts to shower me with kisses all over my body. In answer I take off her undergarments and start stroking her too. Her soft, warm skin, her perfect breasts, the hardened nipples. I take one in my mouth and suck on it. I could never tire of doing that, because it feels so good, but even more because it makes her feel good.

My own desire starts to grow and I want more, I want to feel her around me, be buried inside of her, where I feel whole. My arms are around her and I lay her on her back and roll on top of her. Instinctually she spreads her legs and I slide into her. She's gasping for air as I start to thrust. Together we build a rhythm that starts slow but ends frantically in an explosion of fireworks. I'm shuddering my release in her and collapse on top of her. She encircles me with her arms and presses me closer.

"Are you okay with all my weight pressed on you?" I ask.

"Yes," she whispers, still out of breath, "I like to feel your weight on top of me. You can lay here all night if you want."

I laugh a little, "Sounds great. But seriously though, isn't it heavy?"

"No, I'm okay," she says, "I don't know how to explain it, but it feels really good, trust me."

"But I am quite heavy," I say as I try to roll off of her. But her arms tighten around me, keeping me in place. "No, don't go. Stay here a little while longer."

"Okay," I whisper, my face buried in the crook of her neck, inhaling her sweet scent.

After a moment of silence Katniss speaks again, and her voice trembles a little, "I'm going to miss you when you're away."

"It'll only be a couple of days," I reply.

"Still… a couple of days is enough for me to miss you."

"I'll miss you too," I say and I lift myself up to look in her eyes. "But we'll be fine, I'll call you and you'll spend your days hunting. I'll be back before you know it."

I brush away a strand of hair from her forehead and then suddenly I roll over, making her lie on top of me instead. "Now it's my turn," I say, "I like the weight of you on top of me too."

Katniss laughs at that but doesn't protest. Instead she lays her head on my chest. "Let's sleep some more," she says softly, "It's still night and I'm tired."

When we wake again it's already half way through the morning. It's common for us to sleep in, especially when our nights are disrupted by nightmares. If I want that bakery up and running I'll have to get more rhythm and structure in my life. Nightmares or no nightmares, the bread must be baked. When I discuss this with Katniss, she nods. "I think it's better for us too, to have more structure," she says, "Because now it's also already too late for me to start hunting. I mean, I could still do it, but early in the morning is the best time."

"Maybe we should set an alarm and start working on getting out of bed early on weekdays." I suggest, "And then sleep in on the weekends."

This afternoon I start packing for the trip to District Nine. Garrett and I will leave tomorrow morning, by train. Effie has been helpful and sent me a schedule. Now that the travel restrictions between districts are gone, there are more trains driving. Hovercrafts are also available, but they're only for longer distances. District Nine isn't that far from Twelve, so taking the train is the best option. If we leave early in the morning we'll be there at the end of the day. The day after that we'll spend in the factory, ordering equipment and searching through the stocks. On Wednesday we'll be heading back to Twelve. We'll be home before dinner. Katniss has the train schedule as well and I've gotten a mobile phone from Beetee. So she'll be able to call me wherever I am.

The next day, after an early breakfast, Katniss walks with me to the train station. Even though it's a short trip and we can be in touch via phone, we're both anxious. This night Katniss had three nightmares and after the last one she bursts into tears and begged me to stay. I was ready to call the whole thing off, but in the morning, she'd changed her mind and insisted I'd go.

"It's important to get our lives back on the rails," she said, "You need those supplies. We can't wait forever for these nightmares to go away."

"No, I know," I replied, "But we can wait and ask Paylor to annul your travel restrictions. And then you can come with me."

A sudden blush had appeared on her cheeks and I wondered what it was that made her look so flustered. Maybe it was just the idea of asking Paylor for annulment. Or the idea of traveling that scared her. I know she'd rather stay home since leaving our district evokes only bad memories. I didn't ask her what was wrong though and in the end she just shook her head.

"We don't know if she'll do that," she said, "It will only be a setback for the bakery. Just go, Peeta. I'll manage. I'll have Haymitch."

"Hmm," I grumbled, not totally convinced, "Haymitch. What good is he?"

Katniss laughed at that and encircled me in an embrace. "I'll be fine. Trust me."

So here we are, at the train station of our district. Where we've been so many times before. This time is different than all those other times. For the first time Katniss won't be coming with me, but it won't be a long trip this time, I'll be back here in two days.

The train arrives and Garrett is loading in our bags. He's said goodbye to his boys at their home and left them in Delly's hands. Katniss wraps her hands around my neck and we kiss for a long time. Eventually Garrett has to give a small cough to break us apart. "We have to get on board, the train is about to leave," he says.

Katniss and I let each other go. I squeeze her hand one last time and step on the train. "I love you," I tell her, "I'll be back in two days."

"I know," she says and she smiles, but I see the stress in her eyes, "I love you too."

The doors slide closed and the train starts moving. I stand with my face practically pressed against the window and see her disappear in the distance.


	4. District Nine

**Chapter 4 – District Nine**

The train arrives at the station in District Nine in the beginning of the evening. Garrett and I get off and walk to the information desk to ask how to get to the place we're going to spend the night. It's not an official hotel, more a kind of hostel, but it's fine for a short stay. An usher offers to bring us there. It's not far from the train station so we can walk. On the way we pass the Justice Building, which I recognize from the Victory Tour. It looks exactly the same and so does the square around it.

"This looks unscathed," I say to the usher.

"Yes, this part of the district is intact," he tells me, "A couple of the factories and several blocks of houses nearby were bombed, but our district got off relatively good."

"But your manufacturing is still not fully functional?" Garrett asks.

"The factories are not rebuild yet. The ones that weren't bombed are up and running, but they can't manufacture everything," the usher explains, "We're working on it, though. And thankfully we still have the existing stock from before the war."

"That's good, we're going there tomorrow, to see if we can find equipment." Garrett says.

"What for?" the usher asks.

"We're opening a bakery in District Twelve," Garret answers.

We've arrived at the hostel, the usher wishes us good luck and goes back to the station. In the shared bedroom I sit on my bed and call Katniss. We've spoken on the train, but I promised I'd call her as soon as I arrived. She answers after one ring. "Peeta?"

"It's me," I say. "We just arrived at the hostel."

"How is District Nine?" she asks.

"It looks the same as during the Tour," I tell her, "But we're still close to the train station and the Justice Building. An usher told us the bombings were at factories and some blocks of houses around that. The rest of the district is unscathed."

"Lucky them," Katniss mutters.

"How are you?" I ask, changing the subject.

"Fine," she replies, although her voice sounds a bit hollow. "I just had dinner with Haymitch but he acted insufferable, so I left."

"What'd he do?" I say, grinning a bit at the thought of Katniss and Haymitch irritating each other.

Katniss sighs, exasperation clear in her voice. "Nothing really, nothing different than the usual anyway. I guess it's me, I'm a little out of sorts."

"You'll be fine," I reassure her, "Just go to bed early. Spend your day hunting tomorrow and go to Delly's instead of Haymitch's house for dinner. It will lighten your mood, trust me."

"But she has the boys," Katniss says.

"So? Daniel and David are really cool kids," I tell her.

"I know," she sighs again, "We'll see. I think you're right though, I'm going to bed early."

"Good thinking. Now don't hesitate to call me," I insist, "Even if it's the middle of the night, I don't care."

"Okay," she says, "I miss you."

"I miss you too," I answer, "Sleep well."

The next morning Garrett and I are on our way to Marks and Sabers. There's some sort of tram that takes us from the hostel to the factory. On the way there we see the destruction of this district. Blocks of houses turned into piles of stones. There are a few huge craters where factories used to be. Every district has its own damaged past to deal with. This is not as bad as the total obliteration of District Twelve, but there's enough pain and loss here too.

We arrive at the factory where a man wearing a blue suit with a tie, is waiting for us. He shakes our hands and introduces himself as Micheal Marks. "Welcome to our factory," he says while he shakes our hands. "Let me tell you a little about our background. This factory has officially been in the hands of our family for ages. Some great great grandfather of mine opened it together with Mrs. Sabers. She was the head manager of the company, but she never married or left an heir. So now it's only Marks, but we leave the name unchanged."

"I didn't think people in districts could be owners of such big companies," Garrett voices what I am thinking as well.

"Oh no, We're a Capitol family. Our family used to live in this area for centuries. But long before the Dark Days they moved to the Capitol. That was in a time when it was still possible to move. From what I've heard they were just in time, because shortly after that there came travel restrictions. When Panem was formed we already lived in the Capitol, running the company from there." Micheal explains, "So I'm originally from the Capitol, but after the rebellion I moved here. I wanted to be where my factory was and help rebuild this district."

We double check him in our astonishment. There's nothing there that marks him as a Capitolite and I have trouble believing him. People from the Capitol don't go and live in a district. "You're serious?" I ask.

"You didn't expect someone from the Capitol, did you?" Micheal says, "Well, Mr. Mellark, we weren't all bad, even if we didn't actively fight in the rebellion."

"I know that," I tell him, "But going to live in a district, that's quite a step."

"This is my factory," he says, "I'm supposed to be here. I used to come here a few times per year. Told my parents I wanted to live here. They disapproved of that, and the law of Panem made it impossible too. So as soon as those laws were lifted, I came here."

"What'd your parents say?" Garrett asked.

"They died during the war," he answers solemnly. Garrett makes to apologize but Marks waves it away. "You couldn't know, you don't have to apologize. Let me take you on a tour through the factory and then we'll talk business."

Micheal shows us around in his factory and explains the progress of building machines. There's also a big subdivision of the company that's in charge of grain milling. All different sorts of grain are produced in the far outstretched lands of District Nine. The process of turning the grain into flour is done with large mills. "You can order whatever sorts of flour you'd like," Micheal explains. "Were your parents clients of my factory as well?"

"I think so," I say, "But the entire bookkeeping was destroyed in the fire, so I need to build everything up from scratch."

Micheal sees the worried expression in my face and places a hand on my shoulder. "Don't worry about it, I'll help you. We're specialized in this and know what a bakery needs. Come."

He turns to the elevator and takes us to another part of the factory. "Here are the ovens we still have in stock. I've understood you want a stone oven?" I nod and he gives me a smile. "Good choice, they produce the best bread. Now, like my employee told you, we're not ready to start producing them yet, but I believe we have a couple left. Let's check that out."

The grand hall in which we've arrived is filled with all different kinds of machinery. Neither Garrett nor I have ever seen the likes of it. There are several sorts of ovens, refrigerators, deep fryers, stoves. All different kinds of machines, food processors, blenders, and mixers.

"We need those," I say to Garrett, and point to a shelf with mixers. "They'll be so useful for kneading dough."

"Yes, these are top quality," Micheal assures us, "Invaluable assets for your bakery. Here are the stone ovens."

We see several large ovens, and my eye falls on the one that's exactly the same as my parents had. I rest my hand on it and let the memories overwhelm me for a moment. "This is the one we had." I tell Micheal and Garrett. "I want this one, is that possible?"

"Sure, sure. It's not the best one though," Micheal says, "This one is slightly better." He points to the oven next to it, which is a bit bigger.

"I don't care, I know this one and I'm used to this one." I explain to him and Garrett nods.

"We want to rebuild the original bakery," Garrett says, "We don't want to change it."

"Okay," Micheal says. "Let's take care of payment and shipping then."

Before we do that, we order more supplies, until we've got everything we need. We are served a big lunch in the cafeteria, where we meet some of the employees. Thankfully none of them acts as idiotic as that guy Timon did.

It's already late in the afternoon when everything is done. We take some of the equipment with us, but most of it will be delivered to Twelve with a special delivery truck. It will arrive there probably in about two days.

Micheal invites us to dinner at his house. "There are not a lot of good restaurants here, none actually," he says, "You can get food at the hostel, but the quality's not really good. I hope the districts will exploit the idea of restaurants. None of them seem to have any."

"Of course not," Garrett says, "Why would they? The people in the districts don't have the money or the time to go out for dinner."

Micheal nods, "I know, that's why I hope they will change that now. With the new government and all."

"It would be nice, " I say, "And we'd love to eat at your house tonight."

"Let me get Clara first," Micheal says, "she's my wife and manager of the company. We're running it together, she mostly takes care of the finances."

With the four of us we eat at Micheal and Clara's house. They're really nice people, especial for Capitol citizens. Both of them don't have any visible marks that tell they're Capitolite. Maybe they have some tattoos under their clothes, but they both look pretty normal. We have a good evening with them, in which we mostly discuss the rebuilding of our districts. They're interested in how District Twelve is doing and ask a million questions.

It's about ten in the evening when my phone rings. "That must be Katniss," I say to Garrett and excuse myself to answer.

"Hey," her voice sounds small.

"Are you okay?" I ask instantly, a bit worried.

"I guess so," she replies.

"How was your day? Did you go to Delly's?" I say.

"Yes, I've been hunting during the day and had dinner with her after," she answers, "We had a good time, the kids were fun."

"Good," I say, "And now?"

"I just got home, and I feel a bit lost," she says, "I'm really not used to being alone anymore."

"I know, I feel the same," I say, "But I'll be back tomorrow."

"Thankfully," she says, "How was your day?"

I tell her about the factory and Micheal and Clara. "I'm still at their house actually," I say, "So I should get back to them, I'll call you later, okay? When I'm back at the hostel."

"Okay," she replies and we hang up the phone.

Garrett and I walk back to the hostel, it's not far from Micheal's house. We're both tired after such a long day, but also happy with the progress we made and the prospect of going back home tomorrow. The train will leave early so we decide to go to sleep as soon as we arrive at the hostel. I call Katniss again when I'm in bed to bid her goodnight and tell her to call me if needed.

_The smoke from the ruins color the world grey. In the shadows there are baleful figures. When Katniss appears I try to warn her but she doesn't hear me. Long tentacles grasp her and drag her with them to where the darkness hides. There's a ringing in my ears while I'm screaming for her, trying to reach her. But I know this is the kind of dream that will always leave me incapacitated. I can't do anything but try to wake up. While Katniss disappears the ringing continues and gets louder and louder until the ear-piercing sound is all that's left. _

My eyes fly open and stare at the ceiling of the room. The ringing still hasn't stopped although it's not as loud as it was in my dreams. It's my phone, I finally realize, and I sit up and take it hastily from the nightstand. The dark skies outside tell me it's the middle of the night, there's only one person who'd call me at this hour. I answer the phone as fast as I can, to get to her. "Katniss, are you okay?"

First there's no sound on the other side, but then I hear a soft whimpering. "Katniss!" I press the phone to my ear as if I can touch her through it. "Katniss, are you there? Answer me." The dream I just woke from leaves me with a feeling of panic, and the silence on the other side of the line isn't helping. After repeating her name several times, she finally whispers back, "I'm here."

"What's wrong, honey?" I ask, my heart hurts at the lost sound of her voice, "Tell me what's going on."

She stays quiet for a while and I have to ask her again before she answers me. "It was just a dream, but then I woke up and you were gone. And I just couldn't remember where you were. I thought I lost you, like I lost Prim." At this she starts crying softly.

My arms are aching because I want to hold her so badly, but I stand powerless, unable to reach her through the phone line. Al I can do is whisper soothing words and tell her I'm still here and I'll be home soon. "Go back to sleep," I whisper, "I'll be home before you know it."

"No," Katniss answers, "I can't sleep anymore. Those dreams are torturing me and I'm sure they'll come back as soon as I close my eyes."

"Maybe Haymitch is awake, you can go visit him?" I suggest, "Play a game or something."

"Yeah, maybe," she replies.

"Or we can talk over the phone for a while longer," I say. A sigh of relief comes from the other end of the line, "That would be nice," Katniss says.

"I'll tell you a story," I say, "Did I ever tell you about my brothers and I wrestling?"

"I don't think so," Katniss says, "I'd love to hear it."

So I tell her about those days from a long time ago, when my brothers and I were having wrestling games in our back yard. My father wanted us to stay strong and learn some fighting techniques. Possibly to prepare us for the Games, if we ever got reaped. We didn't care about the reason behind it, we just loved to kick each other's ass. I tell Katniss how Brannick would joke around and tease Rye and me, he called us weaklings. He'd always win because he was older and bigger. But both Rye and I were faster and the day came when we beat him. "You should've seen his face," I say to Katniss and I chuckle at the memory. "He just couldn't believe that we actually beat him."

"But it was the two of you against him?" Katniss asks.

"Yes, but he was way bigger and stronger than we were, so it was a fair battle, trust me," I say.

"I believe you," Katniss says and I hear the smile in her voice. "So what else did you guys do to annoy each other?"

I tell her more childhood stories while the night continues. Katniss laughs and asks questions but her replies become fewer and fewer until I hear her heavy breathing and know she's fallen asleep. I lie down in bed again, the phone next to my ear, without disconnecting it. The cadence of her even breathing carries me back to a peaceful sleep where my brothers come to visit me and we wrestle again.


	5. An unexpected letter

**Chapter 5 – An unexpected letter**

The train rolls out of the station and I sink back in one of the fluffy chairs. Tired from an almost sleepless night but happy to be on our way. I slept hardly more than an hour after the hours of talking to Katniss last night. But during this train ride I can make up for that. The train is nothing like the tribute's train we used to ride on, the one who took us to the Capitol and on our Victory Tour. That one was extremely luxurious, with large compartments which contained beds with feathery pillows and comforters. This train doesn't have beds, it's for one day travels only and therefore contains rows and rows of comfortable chairs. Fortunately they're adjustable so I can lean back a little and try to relax.

I close my eyes and think about the future bakery that's waiting for me. Garrett and I have loaded up a lot of stuff in the baggage car. Boxes with equipment, mixers, blenders, and a variety of grains and flours that I haven't used before. I'm curious about these new ingredients and looking forward to expanding my recipes. My parents always ordered the most plain and cheap types of flour, not really bothering to look at other, more expensive options. But for me money isn't an issue anymore. We, the handful of remaining victors of Panem, get to keep our prize money which is in itself enough to live a comfortable life. But now that Katniss and I live together and don't have any expenses on top of that, the amount of money we have combined is exorbitant and we don't know how to spend it.

Good quality stuff is my first priority. And I want to sell it at low prices, so that everyone in our district can enjoy them. I'm thinking about how Katniss told me once that Prim used to stare through the bakery window at the iced cakes. Only looking, never buying, because it was way too expensive. Not anymore though, with the prices I have in mind, and the new economy of equality in Panem, buying my cakes won't be impossible anymore, not even for the poorest orphan of District Twelve.

The different recipes all start to coalesce in my brains as sleep finally creeps up on me. The train has a nice steady flow that keeps me in my slumber for hours. When I wake up it's already late in the afternoon. The sun is still high in the sky, but at the beginning of September that's normal for this time of day. Garrett just came back from the bar-car and gives me a soda. "You slept for a long time," he says.

"Yeah, I know, I didn't sleep much last night," I tell him.

"I noticed you were on the phone," he says, "With Katniss?"

"Yes. Did I wake you? I'm sorry."

"No, that's okay, I was awake anyway and fell asleep shortly after that." Garrett looks at me for a while. "So what was it? Why did she call?" he asks.

"It was nothing, really," I confess, "We had bad dreams, both of us. Which happens a lot, truth be told, but most of the time we wake up in each other's arms and last night Katniss panicked a little when she found out I wasn't there."

Garrett nods and takes a sip of his drink. "I was meaning to ask you. Did you talk to her about the berries?"

"I did, a couple of days before we left."

"And what did she say?"

I look out of the window, watch the fields of crops pass by as I recall my conversation with Katniss. "She said she never intended to leave the arena without me," I say finally.

"Good answer," Garrett says, "Did it bring you some peace of mind?"

"It did," I nod, "She acknowledged how important it was for me to discern the truth. Those were her words and it felt good hearing her say it."

We finish our drinks and change the subject to the bakery and what we need to do in the next couple of weeks to set it up. The plan is that the rebuilding will be done by the end of September and we can have the opening in the first week of October. This will give us the next four to five weeks to prepare for that, which should be enough.

We're still in the middle of discussing our plans when the train rolls into District Twelve's little station. "We're here!" I say surprised, and jump up from my chair. I wasn't even aware of time going by so fast. But now, in a matter of minutes, I can hold Katniss in my arms again. I'm already out of the compartment and standing in front of the doors, waiting for them to open and let me out.

Katniss is standing on the platform, wearing a gorgeous summer dress, her hair falls loose on her shoulders. She looks tired but breaks out in a smile as soon as she sees me. In two large strides I've reached her and hold her in a tight embrace. Our lips find each other instinctively and we forget about our surroundings as we breathe in the familiar scents of the other and drink each other in. After a long time of kissing, caressing and almost crushing each other, we break apart. I see Haymitch appear in the corner of my eyes, grinning. "You kids are unbelievable," he says, "It's been two days, you act like you've been away for a lifetime." But he pats me on the back and gives me one of his rare warm smiles. "Glad that you're back, she was being a real pain."

"Let's go home," Katniss suggests, "I made dinner."

"First we have to bring the supplies we bought to the temporary storage rooms," I tell her, "I can't very well let Garrett take care of that alone."

We look around and see him talking with Delly while his kids are pulling at his arms "Come, daddy," they shout in unison. "Come play with us and Delly."

He laughs at them and I can't help but feel a little stab of jealousy. These kids are so precious, and it hurts me that Katniss was very firm on the matter. Never, was her verdict when I first brought it up and that hasn't changed. Of course that was only a couple of weeks ago, but still.

After we've brought everything to the storage rooms inside the emergency buildings, Haymitch, Katniss and I walk to the Victor's Village. "Are you staying for dinner?" I ask Haymitch.

"Don't think so," he mumbles, "By the looks of you."

"What do you mean?" Katniss says, and edge in her voice.

"You want me to spell it out, sweetheart," Haymitch teases her. He dodges her fist and takes a sprint to his house. "See you tomorrow," he says before he disappears inside.

I smile at Katniss, "I'm impressed at you chasing him away like that."

"Yeah well, serves him right," Katniss mutters, "Annoying drunk."

I open the front door of our house and pull Katniss over the doorstep. "I can't say he's wrong though," I whisper as I take her in my arms. She presses her lips against mine with a sudden ferocity and pushes me against the wall in the hallway. "He's not wrong at all," she says against my lips and starts tugging at my thin dress shirt, ripping off the buttons. She takes the shirt off me and throws it away, letting her hands roam freely over my naked upper body. "I've missed you," she says, "I've missed this."

"It shows," I say and smile as I pull her close and kiss her again, a deep searching kiss that leaves us both breathless. Katniss is running her hands over my back, sending shivers up and down my spine, making the muscles in my stomach tighten with anticipation. She's impatient as her hands travels down and unbuckle my pants, tugging them down, together with the shorts. Leaving me completely naked in our hall. Her hands squeeze my buttocks and then move to the front where she takes me and starts stroking me.

I'm moaning against her hair and start undressing her. The dress unzips at the back and it falls down in a heap on the ground. She only wears lace panties underneath, and the sight of her body makes me gasp. Carefully I take one of her breasts in my hand and squeeze the soft dark nipple between my thumb and index finger. Katniss lets go of me and throws her head back. I bow down and take the nipple in my mouth, sucking on it softly, swirling against the tender skin with my tongue. Suddenly overtaken by my arousal I lift her up from the ground and turn around. Now she's with her back against the wall and she instinctively wraps her legs around my waist. My want for her is too much to contain, so I push her panties aside and explore her with my fingers. Katniss attacks my mouth with hers, to the point where it's almost painful. Our tongues twirl around each other. She whimpers loudly when she feels my hand on her and I know she's ready for me. Slowly I enter her and let out a deep sigh of relief. We start to rock together, our movements bring us to high peaks, where the view is so beautiful, consisting of love and colors and flavors beyond imagination. Katniss reaches her climax just before I do and shivers in my arms. The contractions from her orgasm sends me over the edge and with one last thrust I shudder my release inside of her. "Katniss," I whisper against her neck, "I love you so much." We stand pressed against the wall for a while, as we try to regain our even breathing. Katniss has her legs still tightly wrapped around my waist. "Take me upstairs?" she asks.

In our bedroom we make love again. Gentle and caring, with tender strokes and soft kisses and caresses. We take our time since we have plenty of it and fall asleep together afterwards, limbs entangled, sweaty and satisfied.

A couple of hours later my growling belly awakens me, reminding me we forgot to eat. Katniss lies curled up against my chest, I carefully lift her and lay her down on her side of the bed. Then I get up, fasten my prosthetic on and go downstairs. On the stove stands a pot with a rabbit stew in it. I light the fire to heat it when I hear Katniss stirring upstairs. Remembering her fear from last night I walk to the stairs and call her, "I'm downstairs, in case you were wondering."

Her footsteps sound on the stairs and she joins me in the kitchen. "I was hungry," I explain, "We forgot to eat."

Katniss smiles and stirs in the stew, "I spend half a day preparing this for you, it would be a waste if we forgot to eat it."

Together we sit down at the kitchen table and eat the stew. "I'm so happy you're back," Katniss tells me, "It was so quiet here all day, and especially at night. It drove me crazy."

"I know, I didn't like to be apart from you either," I say, "If it's ever needed again you're coming with me. I'll write to Paylor to cancel the travel restrictions."

Katniss casts down her eyes and stares at the table, her finger tracing a ditch in the wood.

"What is it?" I ask, remembering her weird reaction when I mentioned this before. "What's wrong?"

She doesn't answer but instead gets up and walks to the study. I'm baffled at her reaction and stay seated. It doesn't take long for her to return and hand me a letter. "I received this, sometime in May, I didn't respond to it and I didn't tell you either."

I see the letter is addressed to her own house, the date on it says May 11. It must have been before she changed her address.

While I open it and read Katniss remains standing next to me, frozen to her place.

_Dear Ms. Everdeen,_

_This is a special invitation for a memorial ceremony in District Eight. President Paylor will visit the district and give a speech during a ceremony that memorializes the bombing of the Hospital during the Great War._

_President Paylor has invited you personally to attend this service, due to your courageous acts during this bombing._

_The President is willing to revoke your traveling restrictions for this specific event, gaining you the possibility to travel to District Eight on May 30 and travel back to District Twelve on June 2._

_From the Secretary of the President,_

_Mr. Fransens_

The envelop contains an official traveling ticket with Katniss' name on it. And a form with a stamp and a signature, saying her travel limitations are temporarily annulled. "What is this?" I ask her as I lower the letter and look at her.

"It's what it says it is," she answers solemnly, "An invitation to a ceremony in District Eight. She was already willing to revoke my travel restrictions. But I didn't answer. I didn't want to go. To be remembered at that dreadful day in District Eight. And see Gale again, assuming he'd be there as well. I couldn't do it."

"I don't understand," I say, confusion sweeping over me. Slowly I get up and put a kettle of water on the stove. Then I turn around and look at Katniss, she's still standing next to my seat. Her shoulders slumped, her expression defeated.

"Why didn't you tell me about this? What is this letter talking about? A bombing of a hospital. I don't know anything about that. How come I don't know?" The questions come spilling out of me and I can't help but feel betrayed, because of this sudden turn of events. This part of Katniss' life that I know nothing about.

Katniss remains silent and stares to the ground, I repeat the most poignant question for me, "Why didn't I know about this?"

With a deep sigh she looks up at me and I see the tears shining in her eyes. "You weren't there. You were in the Capitol at that point," she tells me, "They did show you the propo, but you probably don't remember it, because it was…" her voice breaks and she has to swallow hard before she can finish the sentence. "Because it was before you were… before you were hijacked," she manages to get out.

We stare at each other for a long while as her words sink in. A bombing, a propo, before my hijacking. It was this very propo then, that caused Snow to hijack me. He saw what she did for the rebellion and choose to turn me into his weapon, to program me to kill her. I'm sure Katniss knows this too, it would explain the guilt I see in her eyes.

The kettle starts to whistle but I ignore it at first. When the sound becomes more shrill it pulls me back into focus. "Okay, here's the deal," I say, "I'm going to make us tea and then you tell me about this hospital bombing."

Katniss nods and starts her story while I take the tea leaves from a shelf in the cabinet. "I had just agreed to become the Mockingjay. They suited me up and fed me lines, but it didn't work, it didn't come across. It was Haymitch's idea to send me into battle, where I'd be at my best."

I pour the tea while Katniss talks. About the hospital filled with wounded and dying citizens. People who became filled with hope at the sight of her. And how, on her way back to the hovercraft, the planes came and started dropping bombs. Targeting the hospital, killing everyone inside. While she talks the tears spill over, they fall down her cheeks and drip on the table. As two small pools start to form the question swims in my mind; will it never end? The horrors that seem to fill our lives. Will it never stop?


	6. The bakery

**Chapter 6 – The bakery**

After Katniss has finished her story about what happened to her in District Eight, I let it sink in while we drink our tea in silence. When my cup is drained I get up and walk outside. It's the middle of the night, but it's not cold out. A refreshing breeze caresses my face. I go to sit in the rocking chair I got from my father and stare over the meadow in the Victor's Village.

A large part of me wants to go back into the house and hold her, but there's also that insecure other part of me. The part that I hate. And that's the part that tells me to stay put. To punish her and blame her for not telling me every little detail of her life, especially the bad ones. I don't know why this irrational fraction wins over from the other, but at the moment it does. So I stay in the chair and watch the dew form little droplets, shining in the light of the lamppost next to the small fountain.

The door opens and her footsteps are approaching me. At first I keep my eyes trained on the dew but her presence next to me makes me nervous so I look up at her face. She looks depressed but not as devastated as I thought she'd be.

"Peeta," she says softly as she sinks to her knees next to my chair. "Peeta, listen to me. I'm sorry for not telling you about the letter. But you have to understand, it was too difficult for me back then. I couldn't tell you about it, I couldn't relive any of it."

I look her in the eyes, hers are shining silver with tears. Finally, that segment of me that loves her to death lets me hold out my arm and pull her unto my lap. "I understand that," I say close to her ear while I start rocking the chair gently. "But you could have let me know about this letter earlier. I mean, I've talked about your travel restrictions before and you never mentioned it."

"That's because I knew you would question me about it, just like you did," Katniss whispers while she hides her face in my shirt.

She's right. I can't let things go, I always question her about everything. Why do I do that? Am I that insecure, that afraid that anything she holds back from me is proof that she doesn't love me as much as I want her to?

"I'm sorry," I say quietly, "It just makes me so unconfident, when I don't know things. When you keep things from me."

Katniss lifts her head and turns her face towards me. A sudden determination shows on it. "I love you," she says and her voice sounds firm. "Don't be unsure about that. If I don't tell you things, it's never because I don't love you. Do you believe me? You have to believe me. This is real, what I'm saying is real."

At these words I feel my heart leap. Her telling me she loves me, it will never cease to amaze me and I'm captivated by what she said. My hand goes up to touch her face and I lean forward and press my lips on hers. Very careful, very tender. "Thank you," I whisper as I break apart from her and lean back in the chair. She smiles a warm and loving smile and bends forward to kiss me back. "You're welcome."

We sit in silence for a little while, rocking slowly while we enjoy the coolness of the night and the feel of each other. "So you didn't answer the letter?" I ask her after a couple of minutes.

"No," she shakes her head against my chest, "I was busy with moving in with you at that time and trying to define our relationship. I didn't want to think about memorials or anything that would remind me of the war."

"And you didn't want to travel to Eight?" I say.

"Somehow this travel restriction sits well with me," Katniss replies, "I'm home and I don't need to go anywhere, I don't want to go anywhere."

"But what if I need to go?" I ask. "Once they lift it, you don't have to travel, but at least you would be able to. Don't you want that?"

"You're right, I guess. I didn't really care for those days being apart from you," she says. "But still, I'd rather not go anywhere."

"Me, too," I tell her, "I'm staying here with you. At least that's the plan for now."

"Good," she smiles, "Let's stick to that plan."

With that I get up, Katniss still in my arms, and I carry her back into the house and to our bed. We curl up in each other's arms and fall into a peaceful sleep.

The truck with our supplies has arrived and Garrett and I are unloading the stuff and pile it up in our storage room, checking everything off from the list. "It's all there," Garrett says, when we're done, "The ovens, the cash register."

Delly's with us and inspects the furniture for the bistro. "It's going to be great, everything looks so good," she beams at us. "When can we start moving?"

"In a week the building will be ready and we can start painting and laying in the hardwood floors," I say, "It'll take at least two more weeks before we can open the bakery."

"It takes forever," Delly sighs, "It really isn't going fast enough for me."

Garrett and I smile at her. "You're being too impatient," Garrett states, "Come with me, I have to get the kids from school."

Together they take off in the direction of the little primary school. It was one of the first buildings that got rebuild, but the rest of the town is also starting to look good. The town square is almost unrecognizable. Next to the emergency buildings a new Justice Building arises. Several blocks of houses stand beside it, all of them already inhabited. Construction sites are still to be seen everywhere I look, but overall the progress is clearly visible.

Haymitch appears from the small shop where he buys his booze now and we walk together to the Victor's Village.

"Everything working out with your bakery?" he asks.

"Yeah, it's seems to be going really well," I tell him, "I'm looking forward to actually opening it."

"Good, good," he says, "And how's Katniss?"

"Why don't you ask her yourself, come over for dinner?"

"If there's anything good on the menu."

That evening after dinner, the three of us remain talking for a while. About random things, about the bakery. Katniss announces she wants to help with painting and Haymitch chimes in as well. So the next few weeks we work on the bakery with the five of us. The floors are covered in hardwood, large packs of them were ordered from District Seven, not only for the bakery, but also for the other shops in the square. We paint all the walls white, upstairs in Garret's house as well. White says clean and we'll decorate with paintings and a large framed picture of my family in the shop. I've made a painting of the meadow with the big oak tree which will hang directly across from the entrance. We're all enthusiastic about the whole thing coming together.

It's the first week of October when the bakery finally opens. Effie comes over for the occasion, from the Capitol, telling us how she didn't tell the news to anyone there. I'm grateful for her helping us to keep a low profile. It's weird to see how much she's changed for the better. She says that we can't expect the press to keep off our backs forever though. "There's going to come a time in which they won't be held back anymore. It's still bread and circuses for the citizens of Panem and people want to know how their Mockingjay is doing," she tells us while we're having tea in our kitchen.

"Do you have any idea how we can avoid that?" I ask her, seeing Katniss next to me flinch at the idea of cameras swarming over the Victor's Village.

"There's the option of exclusive rights." Effie says.

"What's that?" Katniss asks while she bites her nails, a sign that she's anxious. I take her hand in mine and squeeze it lightly.

"It means that only one camera crew is allowed to come and do interviews with you and they'll have the exclusive right."

"But that means we'll still have to do an interview." I say, Effie nods and Katniss shakes her head. "No," she says with a firm voice, "We're not doing it. It's no one's business what we do with our lives."

"But Katniss- " I start, wanting to tell her that this exclusive rights thing might be the best option.

"No," she yells at me, "Don't 'but Katniss' me. It's not an option! I'm not going to do interviews!"

Before I can stop her she stamps out of the room and up the stairs. I look at Effie apologetically. She smiles warm heartedly. "I understand her, Peeta. I really do. But I don't think you can hide forever here."

I bury my head in my hands and give a deep sigh. "I know," I say, "I'll think about how to handle it, I really have no idea. Maybe we can stretch this out a little. At least they're not coming now."

The day of the opening arrives. It's a relatively warm day for this time of year. The sun is shining happily in a clear blue sky. Katniss and I go to the bakery at the break of dawn. When we enter Delly and Garrett are already busy. Garrett is kneading dough while Delly fusses around at the counter. I go to join Garrett in the kitchen. First thing I do is ice the cake we made for this special occasion. Katniss and I will cut into it together and pass it out to everyone attending. I'm so happy that she's doing this with me, standing beside me, as if it's a project from both of us. We're in it together.

The official opening is scheduled at nine in the morning. On regular days it will open earlier, but this gives us the little extra stretch we need to get everything ready in time.

A small crowd has assembled on the square, similar to the crowd we had last week at the opening of the butcher's store. I'm glad that there aren't many more now, because that would be a sign that it has something to do with our famous status. Just before nine we all go out of the back door to walk to the square. The opening ceremony is simple, all I'll do is unlock the front door and then we'll enter, cut the cake and hand it out to our customers. After that it will be a regular workday. Like the days before the war, when my parents were still here. It's on days like these that I miss them the most.

It's six o'clock in the evening when we close the bakery after a hectic day. Katniss stayed to help and now we're walking back to the Victor's Village, hand in hand. "Working in a bakery is harder than I thought," Katniss says. I smile at her, "What did you expect? That we hung around all day, doing nothing?"

"No. I've seen you lift hundred-pound bags of flower in the market. So I know you didn't do nothing all day." She smiles back at me and I remember her words. "You said this before, about me lifting hundred-pound bags of flower. Real or not real?"

Her smile widens as she wraps her arm around my waist. "Real. It was on the first day of training during our first Games."

"We were talking with Haymitch about our skills. Right?" I ask.

"That's right," Katniss muses, "We talked about your wrestling, and you said I shot every squirrel straight through the eye. It seems like another lifetime ago doesn't it? I can't believe that we're here now. And that we're free."

"You're right, we are free." I agree as I pull her close to me.

We arrive at our house and I walk to the kitchen where I start making supper. Katniss is checking the mail. "There's a letter from Annie and my mom," she tells me as she comes into the kitchen. She starts reading it aloud.

"Finn is doing really well, he's growing so fast. He even gives these cute little baby laughs. He truly is a miracle and I want you guys to experience that too. So I've discussed it with Emely, and since Finn and I both are feeling fine, she has agreed to take us with her for a visit to District Twelve in November. I really hope you want to have us there and I promise we won't be too much of an inconvenience for you. I know Peeta's busy with the bakery, we'd also love to see that, but if it means you can't house us, let us know and we'll search for an alternative."

Katniss lowers the letter, I see she takes in the news rather well, an enthusiastic glitter lights up her eyes. "They can stay at our house, right?" she asks me, "That won't be a problem, what do you think?"

"I think it would be great if they came," I say, "I'd love to see them again, and Finn."

"But won't you be too busy, with the bakery and all?" Katniss asks.

"They come in November, right?" I say, "I'll be fine. It's next month and by then we'll have settled on a steady work schedule. And I'm sure I can arrange something with Garrett, he wants extra days off during New Year's holiday to spend time with his kids. We can trade off some days so I'll work a little extra then."

"Good," Katniss says, "I'm going to write them back that they can come."


	7. Coal Pressed Into Pearls

**Chapter 7 - Coal Pressed Into Pearls **

Annie and Emely arrive in the first week of November, by train. Katniss and I await them at the train station. Katniss's mother hugs her daughter tight while I help Annie with the buggy. The baby sleeping inside of it has bronze curls. He has his thumb in his mouth, sucking on it in his sleep. Annie and I bow down over the buggy to look at him. "He's amazing, Annie," I say, smiling.

"He truly is," she agrees, "He reminds me so much of Finnick. And he's such an easy child too. I promise you won't be bothered by him."

"I don't think that would be possible," I say, "That such a cute baby could be bothering me."

Katniss and her mother come to stand next to us and watch the baby too. "Oh Annie, he's gorgeous," Katniss says, "Look at those curls!" She carefully strokes the baby's head with such a loving gesture, that it strikes me again how wonderful Katniss would be as a mother.

We walk from the train station to the square, where we show our visitors the progress of the rebuilding. Emely tells us she hardly recognizes it. "We did try to build similar to what it used to be," I say as I point out the bakery.

"Oh, I can see that," Emely says, "But it has a different feel to it. A more hopeful feeling."

Katniss takes her mother's hand and squeezes it. "Good, that's what we were aiming for."

Inside the bakery we eat a piece of our famous goat cheese and apple pie with coffee and give a tour through the bakery. After Annie and Emely have seen everything Katniss goes back to the Victor's Village with them. I stay behind in the bakery, finishing Garrett's shift so he can pick up his kids from school.

In the evening I get home from a satisfying day of work. The bakery has been open for about a month now and it's going well. Our district doesn't have that many people living in it yet and that means it's never really busy in the bakery. We have enough customers to make a profit, which comes in handy for both Delly and Garrett, but it's never hectic and that's nice to know. We even have the liberty to close the shop if we're not feeling well enough or just need a day off.

When I arrive back home, Katniss and Emely are in the kitchen, cooking together. It's weird to see them together again. Even though this is her own mother, I sense Katniss is a bit uncomfortable around her. They haven't seen each other for so long, and so much has happened in the mean time, that it has created a distance between them.

As I check the mail I see an unopened letter addressed to both of us. I walk into the kitchen, give Katniss a kiss and stir in the pot. "Looking good," I say, "Where's Annie?"

"She's upstairs feeding Finn," Katniss says.

I hold out the letter, "Did you miss this? It's still unopened."

"No," she shakes her head, a flicker of anxiety in her eyes, "I didn't miss it, I recognized the handwriting and didn't feel like reading it."

"Whose is it?" I ask, examining the letter.

"Cressida," Katniss answers curtly, "Can we not do this right now?"

I look up, a little surprised at the edge in her voice. Is it this letter, or her mom, that makes her so anxious? This is not the time to ask though. "Okay, sure. I'll put this away, I'll read it later."

The evening goes by in a comfortable pace. We eat dinner together, move to the living room where we talk about the changes in District Twelve and how life is in District Four. Katniss plays with Finn, making all kinds of cute baby noises which might be annoying but it makes me fall more and more in love with her. Has she any idea the kind of effect she has? I guess not.

While the others get ready for bed I go to the study, take the letter from Cressida from the desk and read it.

_Dear Peeta and Katniss,_

_I'm writing you about the memorial service in December. I know you've gotten a letter about it and I'm also aware it would be very hard to relive that horrible day in the Capitol, one year ago. _

_But I'm asking you to consider to come. It's important to remember, and Gale has had some influence on what the statue will look like. It has significance, especially for you two. Gale and I will be there as well, together with Pollux and we'd love to see you both again. Please consider it._

_Cressida._

That's all there is. It makes me wonder instantly what that statue is going to be like. I remember the letter we received a couple of months ago and how I wrote for all of us that we weren't interested. But Cressida's words are tugging at me. It's important to remember. She's right about that.

I go upstairs and tell Katniss what was in the letter. The color drains from her face and I feel immediate regret for bringing it up. Even though I think it's important, it's obvious that she's not ready for it yet.

"I'm not going," she whispers as she crawls under the covers. I undress quickly and join her in the bed. She wraps her arms around me and presses her head against my chest. "I can't go," she whispers again.

"It's okay," I say, while stroking her hair, "You don't have to go. You can stay here or go the woods, whatever you want."

"What will you do?" Katniss asks.

"I think I'll go. I'll talk to Haymitch about it," I say, "But it's more than a month away. Let's not think about it anymore for now and just enjoy the visit from your mother and Annie."

"Good idea," she says as she lifts her head and looks at me. I see a shimmering in her silver eyes. "Finn is so cute, Peeta. Tomorrow, when you don't work, you can spent some time with him too."

"I'd love that," I say as I pull her closer to me and kiss her softly on her lips. She parts them slowly to let my tongue in and we kiss intently. When I roam my hands under her shirt over her bare skin she pulls away though. "My mother is in the next room," she whispers, "That's so weird." She starts chuckling and I join in. But then I realize, "But they'll be here all week!"

Katniss starts laughing. "You're telling me you can't get through a week without any of this?" she shakes her upper body and with that I'm a goner. I flip her over and lay on top of her. "No, I can't even get through a day without you, you know that." I tell her, "And especially not when you do things like that."

I bow down and kiss her again, my mouth trails from her lips to her jaw and onto her neck, I'm savoring her smell, her soft skin, I drink it all in. Katniss gives up on stopping me but tries to muffle her moans in a pillow. I undress her and kiss her all over her body. When I lead her to her peak she arches her back and presses the pillow against her mouth to make sure she doesn't make any noise. It's kind of funny to see her like this and I can't help but laugh a little. "Stop laughing at me," Katniss says as she pulls me on top of her. Her hand reaches down, slides into my shorts to take a hold of me and my laugh ends in a gasp. With her other hand she trails through my hair and pulls me down to kiss me. "Make love to me instead," she whispers when she lets me go. "You don't have to ask me twice," I reply while I remove my shorts and Katniss guides me inside of her. We start to move together slowly, I'm savoring every second of it, amazed by how she feels, how beautiful she looks and how wonderful life is when I get to be with her in this way. Our pace quickens and Katniss is rotating her hips which makes me see the stars. After a few more thrusts I find my release and collapse down on her. She tightens her arms around me and presses me close. "I don't think we've ever been more quiet than now," she says.

"We did a great job," I chuckle, "I'm sure your mother didn't hear a thing."

Katniss giggles like a little girl while I roll off of her and take her in my arms. "I'm sorry," she squeaks out between her snickering, "It's just, this whole idea of my mom in the next room makes me a bit distracted and giggly."

"Yeah, I noticed," I laugh, "It's fun, so don't worry about it. Let's do this again tomorrow night."

"You would like that, wouldn't you?" she says mischievously as she smiles up at me.

"You know me so well!" I kiss her on top of her head and pull the covers over us.

The next week is one of the best weeks of our lives. Finn is an amazing, little guy and a true delight. Even Haymitch lights up as he plays with him. Annie is really lovely, she smiles a lot, compliments us all of the time with our house, our food, how we look. I remember her as a traumatized woman, but she's changed for the better. She still sometimes falls silent in the middle of a sentence, but she seems strong and such a dedicated mother. She tells great stories about life in District Four and she's funny too. I never noticed that before, but she can make us all roll off our seats from laughter. Emely is a lot quieter, she does tell me she's happy Katniss lives with me now, that she's not alone anymore, but I can tell she's having trouble with being here, with all the memories that haunt her. When I tell her about the memorial service in December she says she won't be able to attend. "But maybe Katniss would want you to be there?" I ask, "For support?"

"She has you now, doesn't she?" Emely says, "And besides, I'm here now, I'm not going to come again next month."

I want to ask her why not but something in her face makes me change my mind. She can't handle it. It makes me sad for Katniss. My parents are both dead, but her mother might as well be. I'm thinking she won't be a support for Katniss, she has nothing to give because she needs all the support herself.

On the last day of their visit, Katniss and I take them to the meadow for a walk and we have a goodbye lunch in our kitchen afterwards. Haymitch joins in as well and so do Delly, Garrett and his kids. I notice again how much time Delly and Garrett spend together. They're playfully joking around while they set the table. There's more going on between them than they dare to acknowledge. Katniss sees it too and gives me a knowing smile.

I pass out rolls while Emely is pouring tea in mugs.

"Did you make this bread, Peeta?" Annie asks.

I nod and Katniss says, "Peeta bakes all the bread around here. Makes me all curvy and fat."

"I think you look very good, Katniss," her mother says and smiles at me approvingly. "I don't mind the curves."

"Me neither," I say while I look at Katniss with appreciation. She's not fat at all, her hunting makes her figure quite beautiful, muscled and slim, but she does look a lot healthier than six months ago. It makes me proud to think that my food is the cause of that.

"The bread is delicious," says Annie, "So I can't blame you, Katniss." Katniss looks as happy as I've ever seen her when she takes Finn out of the buggy and snuggles him. "I'm going to miss this little boy," she says, "He's such a delight."

"Maybe you can come to District Four someday," Annie says, "We'd love to have you there."

"Maybe someday," Katniss says, "I don't know."

The lunch goes by so fast, just as the rest of the week. Before we know it we're off to take Annie and Emely to the train.

Saying goodbye isn't as hard as I thought it would be. It was nice to see them and we had a great time, but it's also fine that they're going again. Katniss does have a little trouble saying goodbye to Finn. He's just a baby, nothing much happening there, but she seems to have fallen in love with him. It's quite cute actually, it makes my heart leap to see her like this.

Just before the train leaves we give everyone hugs and then wave them off. Hand in hand Katniss and I walk back to the Victor's Village. "That was a fun week," Katniss says.

"Yeah," I agree, "Especially the mute sex."

Katniss elbows me in the side, "Oh, shut up," she says, but she's laughing.

Katniss's mirth is infectious, happiness surges through me as I join her in the laughter. Things are good again. They really are.

"You were really cute with the baby," I say after our laughter died down.

"He was the one who was cute," Katniss says.

"You will be a fantastic mother one day, I'm sure of it," I tell her.

"Peeta, don't start that," Katniss says and I hear the anxiety in her voice. "I'm too afraid. Everything that's good got taken away from me."

"I'm still here." I whisper.

"I know," she says and she pulls me in her arms, "But I'm afraid every day, of losing you too."

"You won't lose me." I say as I pull a strand of hair against behind her ear and press her closer to me. "I promise."

That night in bed, when Katniss and I make love again, I feel the certainty of our future together. This is home, this is where we belong. With each other. I love her with every fiber of my being. I love her warm, soft skin against mine, I love her smell of pine needles and wood, I love her feisty character, the way she loves and gives herself to those she loves wholeheartedly. And I know that what I'm about to say doesn't need a big speech about her being the centre of my universe, it doesn't need a ring with a diamond in it. We don't need that, we just need what's true, what's real, it's as simple as that.

So after, I look her in the eyes and take her hand, caressing my thumb over the pearl in her ring. Our mood changes to serious and I just say it, in simple words, without any extras like that time when I proposed to her in front of an audience. Just the words. "Katniss. Marry me."

The effect of these words on her surprises me a little, her eyes fill with tears and they fall down her cheeks. At first she doesn't say anything but she stares down at our entwined hands and the pearl on her finger.

Coal Pressed Into Pearls.

And then she says, "Yes."


	8. The toasting

**Chapter 8 – The toasting**

_In the dead of night a fire started to bloom_

_Embers were glowing_

_Bread was baking_

_And as the flames licked the wood_

_Their warmth filled the room_

_And love_

_So strong that waters cannot quench it_

_We toast our bread over the fire_

_A promise of life_

_Of truth_

_Of real_

_Together _

_Always_

_We protect each other_

_Because that is what we do_

_The odds were always against us_

_Our stars were crossed_

_Pearls grow in oysters_

_And we were coal_

_But it happened anyway_

_We are Coal Pressed Into Pearls_

Katniss and I got married at the end of November. The autumn season was always my favorite, mostly because of the vibrant colors. But it signifies more than that. Autumn is reaping what you've sown, harvesting and getting your reward. This was what our marriage was for us too, after everything we've been through, finally getting something in return. And as the days grew colder, we grew warmer, closer together, more logs on the fire. We were just the two of us. We didn't need an audience, we didn't want the attention. We just wanted to seal our promise. Together.

We made the bread together. Hearty bread with nuts and raisins in it. We built the fire together. First got the little twigs burning, then the branches, then the logs. We were curled up against each other, wrapped in one blanket while we stared into the flames. They were so enchanting.

It was a cold, autumn day. The wind was blowing and it was raining red and orange leaves. The path to the Victor's Village was filled with them. It was already dark when the bread was done. We sliced it, two big slices, and toasted those slices on the fire. We ate the bread and made a plea. A promise that we would be there for the other, we would take care of each other and love each other. We cried. We laughed. We kissed. Her lips so soft against mine, I felt her warm skin through her dress, the swell of her breasts pressed against my chest. Her hair so silky and smooth as I trailed my hands through it. Our kiss deepened. Our hands became more urgent, we started to explore our bodies again, removing each other's clothes. I cupped her breasts in my hands and kissed her nipples, sucking gently on them. Ravishing in the taste of her. I told her how beautiful she was. She buried her fingers in my hair as she pushed me closer to her breasts. She told me that I was the one who was truly beautiful. How I represented hope for her and how happy she felt to be with me. She kept talking until my hand touched her between her legs and her words became incomprehensible and changed into gasps. I knew what to do to show her all the colors of the rainbow, all the fallen stars, all the love I have for her pouring out of me to make her feel it. To make her believe and hope. When Katniss reached her climax she called my name. She has called my name so many times, in so many different circumstances. Most of these times were filled with pain and fear. These moments were still here in nightmares. But something stronger has come as well. Her calling my name because of love instead fear. And love is stronger.

Katniss and I made love on that night. We moved together in our own rhythm. It was like singing a song in harmony. As paint mixed together to create that one true color. Being with Katniss, living in her, that is where I found my home again. She is my home. And even though we're not there yet, we're still healing, we fall and we need each other to get up again, I've found out that we mend each other. I felt her warmth around me, consuming me and the tension built up as we moved faster and faster. The last thing I heard before I fell apart inside of her were the words softly whispered in my ears.

"Peeta Mellark. I love you."


	9. the Memorial Service

**Chapter 9 – the Memorial Service**

December starts drowsy, with a lot of rain and grey skies. We receive a formal invitation for the memorial service that will be held in two weeks. Exactly one year after the day the Capitol fell. The day Prim died. Despite the good weeks we've had in November, with the visit from Annie and Emely that ended in our toasting, Katniss is not doing well these last few days. The anniversary of Prim's death is making her more depressed than she's been in months. She refuses to go to the memorial service, says she can't handle it. I understand, all those people, all their eyes fixed on us, I'm not looking forward to it either. But Cressida's letter was persuading, she told us we really should go. Something was about to happen there and we'd want to be there to witness it. Katniss is unwilling, it doesn't matter what will happen, the attention we'd no doubt get is already too much for her. She tells me she wants to spend the day hidden in the woods and she doesn't want me to come with her. "This is something I have to do alone," she says. I understand what she means, I've experienced the same with the bakery. She couldn't help me with that either. Some walks you have to walk alone.

I've written back to Cressida that I will attend the service together with Haymitch, who was reluctant but finally gave his consent. Probably because he didn't want me to go alone. I told Cressida not to expect Katniss to come. Cressida also wanted to speak with Katniss, do a short interview to let Panem know how they're Mockingjay is doing. I was very clear to say that that's not going to happen. Cressida wrote back that she understood but pressed us again to at least attend the service. But Katniss is not up for that, it's too much for her.

A few days before the memorial there's an official announcement on television. We're not required to watch it, like we used to, now it's just recommended. Both Katniss and I are curious what it's about so we settle in front of the television after dinner. President Paylor appears on screen and tells Panem a shocking truth. The bombing that ended the war last year wasn't the doing of President Snow, but investigation has disclosed that President Alma Coin was the one who ordered the bombs and therefore she's posthumously held responsible for the deaths of many children, including Primrose Everdeen. "Based on these new findings the actions of Katniss Everdeen that resulted in the death of Alma Coin are viewed in a new light and I want to clear her name in this official statement, today, three days before we remember," Paylor says as a closing statement.

Katniss and I stare at the screen in disbelief. This is huge, but I can't say I'm particularly happy about it. Now that Katniss's name is cleared, I'm afraid this place will be crawling with reporters and camera crews to interview us. Katniss has taken the news exactly the same way. She presses her hands against her eyes and whispers, "Oh, no. No." I'm about to take her in my arms as she abruptly gets up and hurries up the stairs. For a moment I stay seated, watching the two reporters on television talking about us. It's already starting. I press the off button on the remote control with vehemence before I get up to go after her. Katniss has locked herself in the bathroom and refuses to let me in. When she's like this I know I have to give her time, but after an hour, when she still refuses to open the door, I get a screwdriver and disable the lock. Katniss has managed to wedge herself under the sink next to the bathtub. It's a small space, no room for me to join her, so I just take hold on her and pull her out. She's not really reacting, lying numb and lifeless in my arms. I carry her to bed, undress her and then join her under the covers. We don't speak, what is there to say really? We just hold on to each other like the life line we are for the other.

In the next days Katniss stays in bed all day. I try coaxing her out of it by telling her I've made her dinner downstairs, or by threatening her that Haymitch is going to eat everything. It doesn't work. Finally I give in and bring the food upstairs, practically feeding her bite by bite. She's back to the catatonic state I found her in when I first returned to Twelve. At night I hold her in my arms, stroking her body to release her from the tension and trying to hang on to my own sanity. The night before the memorial service we don't sleep at all. It reminds me of the night before the Quell. How we laid rigid in each other's arms in the Training Center. It's the same now. I'm thinking maybe sex would help us relax, but I can't even get to that, because I'm too anxious for tomorrow myself. Halfway through the night Katniss breaks down and cries in my arms for hours. I try to calm her down but I can't do it this time, so after an hour or so I follow her example. We're two sobbing wrecks, holding on to each other like we're holding on to our sanity, our sustenance. It keeps us from drowning, although we can barely keep afloat.

Despite our grief and the darkness that accompanies it the day arrives. The anniversary of our democratic country, the anniversary of thousands upon thousands of innocent victims that fell that day. This is the day to remember that. The memorial service will start at noon in the town's square. It won't be long. The mayor will give a speech and I'm asked to unveil the statue. Word around town says it'll be a statue of Katniss in her Mockingjay suit. I really hope not. It'll stand on the podium before the Justice Building and that means I'll have to see it all day every day when I'm in the bakery. And somehow Katniss in that Mockingjay suit is not something I want to be reminded of all the time.

Katniss and I have breakfast together in silence. Both of our faces grey from sleep deprivation and sadness. It's about ten in the morning when Katniss grabs her bow and says she's off to the woods. "When will you be home?" I ask her, "Before supper?"

"Yes," she says, "I think."

"No, don't think, know." I insist, "I want a time, I want to know when to expect you. Because Katniss, I don't feel too enthusiastic about you going to the woods alone when you're like this."

"I don't care how you feel! I'm going anyway!" she spits out.

I hold up my hands in defense. "Okay, okay, I'm not saying you can't go, but you have to come back. Come back for supper." The terror in my voice is clear.

Her anger seeps out of her and she gets up from her chair and comes to sit on my lap. "I'll be back for supper," she promises.

I wrap my arms around her and hold her tight to me. "I'm worried about you," I say, "You haven't slept, you're not doing well."

"I know," she sighs deeply, "It's because of Prim." She almost chokes on the name and the tears are already rolling down her cheeks. "Maybe tomorrow will be better, but the only way for me to survive today is if I can be in the woods."

"As long as you come back home again," I whisper and bury my face in her hair. "Because I need you and I can't do this without you."

"What do you mean? What can't you do without me, this memorial service?" she asks.

"I can't live life without you," I reply, "I don't know about the memorial service, but Haymitch will be there with me, and that'll have to do."

She's trailing her hands through my hair absentmindedly. I feel the tiredness of the sleepless night in my bones. All I really want to do is go back to bed and take Katniss with me. But I know that's not an option. Instead I inhale her scent deeply and then let her go.

"Thank you for understanding," Katniss says quietly, "And for not pushing me to come with you."

With that she disappears out of the door and I go upstairs to take a really long shower. Then I dress in a dark grey suit with a white dress shirt and a grey tie. I cross over to Haymitch and see he's ready to go as well.

When we arrive in the square it's already packed with people. Garrett and Delly are there with Daniel and David. Greasy Sae asks me about Katniss. "She's not coming," I tell her and I wonder how often I'd have to repeat that today. I miss her, I wish she was here with me so we could go through this together. On the other hand, judging by the way she was the last few days, I think it's best that she's not here now. Haymitch nudges my elbow and points towards the podium facing the Justice Building. There I see Cressida and Gale standing in front of the rows of chairs. They see us too and wave us over. The first row of chairs has reserved seating for all of us.

"I'm really sorry to see Katniss isn't here," Cressida says to me. I nod, "Me too, but she couldn't deal with it." Gale's expression is painful, but he doesn't say anything.

"But it's good to see you again after such a long time," Cressida continues. "How have you been doing?"

"We're still recuperating. But I'm doing okay, given the circumstances. I've rebuilt my parents' bakery, the opening was in October and it's going well." I say. I'm reluctant to tell her about our private lives, she's a journalist after all and I don't want to talk about Katniss. Thankfully Haymitch chimes in, no doubt sensing my unease.

"Yeah," he says, "The cinnamon rolls are a best seller here. And Delly has changed the shop into a bistro. The only thing lacking is a good glass of whiskey to drink while you're eating."

"Of course that's Haymitch's critique," I say and I see a hint of a smile on Gale's face. No doubt he remembers how Haymitch was in the months before the Quell and how he was never good at sobriety. But the smile doesn't reach Gale's eyes, which tells me I'm not the only one who's having trouble with being here. He has his own demons to fight, being back in Twelve, his whipping, the obliteration of the district, which he witnessed. And suddenly I'm thinking of Prim, and how Gale's bomb has caused her death. It's not something I'd actively hold against him, because I'm sure he never intended for her to get killed. But it would be a terrible thing to live with. They never really leave you, the people you've killed.

Our conversation comes abruptly to a stop when the new anthem of Panem comes over the speakers. After the anthem ends, we take our seats and the mayor climbs the stage. He reads in solemn words that today is a day of remembrance, of loss, but also of hope for better days to come. On reaping days our old Mayor Undersee used to read a list of victors, now our new mayor reads a list of all the tributes that were reaped in seventy five years of Hunger Games. This list is much longer and painful to hear, especially for Haymitch, who mentored a lot of these kids and knows them by name. Every name is accompanied by a photo on the big screen and a moment of silence.

"Year Seventy Four: Primrose Everdeen. Volunteer, Katniss Everdeen. Peeta Mellark."

Prim's picture appears on the screen and my eyes sting with tears. Haymitch, next to me grabs my hand and squeezes it tightly. I'm thinking that it's good that Katniss isn't here. Who knows how she would react. Katniss's picture is next, and then mine. After a short silence the mayor continues with the last year and the last set of names.

"Year Seventy Five: Katniss Everdeen. Haymitch Abernathy. Volunteer, Peeta Mellark."

The list ends with my name, and it's also my cue to get up and walk to the veiled statue that stands on the podium. We watch our own pictures again, first Katniss, then Haymitch, then me. The mayor mentions our bravery in the Quell and how it's a miracle that we're all still alive. Then he tells the audience that the statue is about to be revealed. "A statue that will remind us of the innocence we've lost during the war. That will remind us about the cruelty of the Games and the reason we fought to end them," the mayor says, "And now for the unveiling of District Twelve's Memorial: Peeta Mellark."

There's a rope that I have to pull and with it the whole veil falls down and makes the statue visible. I can't help but gasp in surprise when I see it's Prim. It's a statue of Prim! Looking young and beautiful, her hair in two braids, her clothes the same as on that fateful day of our reaping, two and a half years ago. Prim. Innocence lost during the war. Without even being aware of it I start to cry as I stand there and gaze at her face. An arm is wrapped around my shoulder and I see Haymitch has come to stand next to me. He holds me close to him and says, "It'll be okay, Peeta." I feel so small and sad that I can't help but lay my head on his shoulder, my body shaking because of the sobbing. Haymitch is patting my back and telling me again that it will be okay, but his voice isn't steady either. Here we stand. Two grown men in front of a statue of a little girl. Crying.

The anthem sounds again, signaling the end of the service. Haymitch and I stay standing at the foot of the statue for what seems like a long time. Others surround us. Hands on my shoulders, people expressing their sympathy for us in solemn words. Cressida comes to stand next to me. Gale is there as well. It's only now that I notice their entwined hands. Gale's face shows such pain that it almost makes me cry again. Cressida lets go of his hand and wraps both her arms around me in a tight hug. "You did good," she tells me as she lets me go.

"All I did was pull a rope," I say.

"No, you did much more," she tells me, "You were brave enough to stand there and cry for the loss of your little sister."

I look at her, a little confused at her words. "I know she wasn't really your sister," Cressida explains, seeing the question in my eyes, "But I have a feeling that's what she meant to you."

"You're right," I say, "I never had a sister, but it did feel like she was my sister. Still, it's more Katniss's loss, though."

"I know," Cressida says, "How is she handling it?"

I cast a look at Gale, not really knowing how to answer this question. He's staring at something in the distance, distracted.

"Not well enough to be here," Haymitch says in my place. I nod in consent and ask Cressida how she's doing in return. Gale interrupts us by saying he's going to take a walk. I can see he's totally preoccupied with something and wonder what it is. "What's with him?" Haymitch asks Cressida after Gale walks away.

"I have no idea," she says, hesitantly, "But it's hard for him to be here."

"He's not the only one," Haymitch says.

"It's hard for everyone," I say, "We don't need to make a contest out of it."

Pollux arrives with a camera on his shoulder. He's signaling something to Cressida and smiles at me. "Don't worry," Cressida says to me, "He's not filming anymore, we're done for the day."

"Hi Pollux," I say, "It really is good to see you." I pull him into a hug, thinking how weird it is to see these people again. Our squad, 451. The only people that survived that dreadful flight into the Capitol that ended so terrible in the City Circle.

"The three of you should come to our house, tonight," I tell them, suddenly thinking we should spend more time together. "But I'd have to talk to Katniss first about it."

"You live together?" Cressida asks.

"Yes," I tell her, "We're married actually."

Both she and Pollux look surprised but then their faces break into a smile simultaneously. "That's really great," Cressida says.

"Please don't mention it to the country," I say, suddenly angry at myself for telling her this. "We can't deal with the attention."

"Of course," she says, "Don't worry about it. And talk to Katniss, if she's not up to seeing us, that's fine too. We can always come back another time. Tell her it'll be off the record, just a reunion of some sorts."

"I'll discuss it with her and let you know." I say. Cressida gives me her mobile phone number and Haymitch and I go back to the Victor's Village to wait for Katniss to come home.


	10. Squad 451

**Chapter 10 – Squad 451**

Haymitch and I arrive at the Victor's Village at about three in the afternoon and go to my house together for tea and to wait for Katniss to come back. I'm glad Haymitch is here with me, not drinking, but sharing my burden. Despite Katniss's promise from this morning, I can't help but feel anxious about her return. The sun sets and I start preparing a supper that consists out of roasted stuffed goose with gravy and whole grain bread. Haymitch gave in to his weakness about half an hour ago and started drinking a bottle of wine. It's about five thirty when the goose is in the oven and the sun has set. I'm pacing in the kitchen, alternating between looking out of the window and looking into the oven. As if I can make Katniss come back and that goose to cook faster with my eyes. Haymitch is fully inebriated now, totally useless and only frustrating me, so I decide to bring him to his own house where I dump him unceremoniously on his couch.

On my way back to my own house I see her walking towards me from the direction of town. Despite the darkness I immediately recognize her and I break out in a run to be with her faster. When she sees me coming towards her, Katniss starts running as well and flings herself in my arms. "Katniss," I sigh against her hair, "I'm so happy you're back."

She doesn't say anything but clings to me tightly. Her body's trembling which makes me realize she's crying. "Hey, hey," I say softly, "What's wrong? Did something happen?"

"Nothing's wrong," she replies, her voice muffled as she speaks into my coat. "It's just… this day. I'm happy to be back too."

"Let's go inside," I suggest, "I made supper."

We eat together in silence and then go to sit on the couch, by the fire. Katniss tucks her feet to the side and rests her head against my shoulder. "So what happened?" I ask her.

"I was in the woods, hunting for an hour or so but I felt so sad. I decided to come to the memorial service, to be there for you," she begins, "I felt bad and selfish for making you go alone. So I went to the square but I was too late. You were already standing in front of the statue." Her voice chokes and she stops talking.

"You saw the statue?" I ask. I feel her head nod against my shoulder.

"I just froze to the place where I stood, on the corner of the square. I couldn't move," she continues in a small voice, "All I could do was stare at her. Then Haymitch came and stood beside you and I felt so conflicted. My heart fissured at the sight of her, and at seeing you and Haymitch like that. You looked so lost and hurt. I was about to go there and be with you when my eyes fell on Gale."

Katniss falls silent again. I can imagine it would be painful for her to see him. Cressida had told us in her letter he was coming, so she knew he'd be there. But knowing it and seeing him are not the same thing. "How did it make you feel, seeing him again?" I ask her.

"Confused, mad, I wanted to punch him in the face." Katniss says, "But then he looked up and caught my eye and I saw the hurt in his expression. There was so much despair in it. We looked at each other for a second, and I turned around and fled. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry about that," I say, "It's only logical that it would be difficult for you to see him again after all this time."

"Yes, but that's not what I meant," Katniss explains, "I mean I'm sorry I didn't go to you but left instead."

"That's okay," I whisper as I pull her close to me. "Haymitch was there for me. And I'm just happy to have you back in my arms again."

"I talked to Gale," Katniss suddenly says after a few moments of silence.

"You did?" I ask, totally surprised by this unexpected confession.

Katniss goes on to tell me about how she went to their rendezvous point in the woods and Gale came there shortly after. I remember the distracted look on his face and how he excused himself, telling us he needed to check things out. I guess that was where he was going.

"It was his idea, the statue," Katniss says, "Although he told me Cressida had something to do with it as well."

"That doesn't surprise me," I say, "If she's determined, she can get things done."

"Hmm," Katniss murmurs. She gives a deep sigh and comes to sit a little closer to me.

"So, what did he say?" I ask, thinking how I really have to pull it out of her. I can tell she's not eager to talk about it, but I invited Cressida, Gale and Pollux to our house tonight, so I have to know what happened and if this invite is a good idea.

"He said he was sorry," Katniss replies in a small voice. "He said that I was right with what I told him about killing people. How it always comes back to you."

"How did it make you feel?" I ask.

"I don't know," she says, "I asked him about the announcement Paylor made about the bombing. He said it was Cressida's doing. She investigated it and forced the government to come clean. He said she wanted to do more." Her voice chokes and I turn my head to look at her.

"What's wrong?" I whisper while I carefully brush a strand of hair from her face.

"He asked me if he needed to do more," she whispers and a tear falls down her cheek. "I'm sure he wanted to make amends. And maybe I should forgive him. It wasn't like he intended her to die. But I couldn't do it. I kept thinking about Prim and he'd told me about his family and how Rory wanted to study so he could work in the medicine factory here in Twelve. And I- " She abruptly stops talking and starts to sob.

"You were thinking about Prim," I softly finish her sentence.

"Yes," she says through her tears, "And how she wanted to become a doctor."

"Katniss, honey." I pull her onto my lap and tighten my arms around her. "I'm so sorry."

"I couldn't do it," she whispers against my neck, "I couldn't tell him that it was all okay. Because it isn't."

"I know," I say, caressing her body.

"I told him about our toasting too," Katniss says after a while.

"How did he take it?" I ask, thinking about the entwined hands of Gale and Cressida.

"He said he was happy for us, for both of us," Katniss replies, "Though he deemed it necessary to point out it isn't official since we didn't sign any papers." She gives a snort which makes me laugh a little. "It's as real as it gets, that's what I told him."

"Good for you," I say with a chuckle and kiss her on top of her head.

"He also told me he was seeing a head doctor," Katniss continues, "Which surprised me, it seems so unlike him. When it was getting dark I told him I had to go but I invited him to come over tonight with Cressida and Pollux. I hope that's okay with you?"

"Funny, I was about to ask you the same thing, I just didn't know if you were up to it. Especially because of Gale." I tell her. "After he left the square, Cressida and I talked for a while and I thought it would be good to see all three of them again. A reunion of some sorts of our squad."

"I told Gale I'm willing to answer some of Cressida's questions," Katniss confesses, "As long as it's off camera and it means the whole press of Panem will be off our backs indefinitely."

"Wow, that's a big thing," I say, "Are you sure you want to do it? Don't feel like you have to."

"I don't," Katniss says, "But they'll keep on bringing it up one way or another and I rather have Cressida do it like this and then we'll be done with it."

She has a good point with that. Press can be rather persistent and we've had enough of that for a lifetime. So I make the phone call to Cressida to invite them over tonight.

Being with the five of us again, but this time in our living room, is a strange reality. In the beginning the atmosphere is a little awkward. None of us really knowing what to say and how to start a natural conversation. Cressida starts by congratulating Katniss with our marriage. "Peeta told me about the toasting this afternoon."

"Thank you, we married only a couple of weeks ago," Katniss says and smiles a little. It makes me glad to see her smile again, especially because it's our marriage that causes it.

"Gale told me you'd be willing to answer some questions," Cressida says.

"I think it would be something that would get other press off my back," Katniss admits, "Do you think that's possible? Because I can't live with the idea that everyone still wants to know everything about me. I want a sort of guarantee that I'll be out of the loop now. And Peeta too, for good."

I pour everyone a glass of wine and go to sit next to Katniss on the couch, taking her hand in mine. "We really need that." I admit to Cressida, "This whole ceremony in itself already brought so much tension. It's just too much for us to deal with."

"Of course," both Cressida and Pollux nod, it's funny to see how simultaneously they work. "We understand that, I will make sure the whole press of Panem will know we have the exclusive rights to interview both of you and I promise we'll leave it at just this one. And let's just talk, with the five of us, informal. I'll make a draft of what I want to publish and let you read it before hand. If there's something you don't want to be published I'll erase it from the interview."

Katniss and I both nod at her suggestion, it sounds like a good deal. We continue our conversation, talking about the events of today and about what life's like in District Twelve. Gale tells us his experiences in District Two, where he works now. He seems a lot better than this afternoon, as if a great weight has been lifted from his shoulders. We even share a laugh when Katniss tells about Haymitch's geese. We empty a bottle of wine and start on our second when Katniss suggests showing them the memory book. Cressida and Gale bow their heads over the pages, reading, looking at the pictures and sketches. "It's amazing," Cressida whispers, "Really beautiful and what a wonderful ode to the people you loved." Pollux signs something to her and goes to read the page of his brother, Castor. Cressida nods at him, "We won't mention this," she explains to us, "This is something so beautiful and personal. It stays between us."

As I get up to bring the empty glasses to the kitchen, Gale follows me there and gives me a hand with the dishes. "I heard you talked with Katniss, today," I say.

"Yeah, but I was meaning to talk to you too," Gale says, "If that's okay?"

"Sure, why not?" I say while he hands me a plate to dry off.

"I wanted to thank you," Gale starts, "Maybe this sounds weird coming from me, but you've been a great help to me. An example really."

"What are you talking about?" I ask, utterly surprised by his words.

"Here's the thing, I'm seeing a head doctor. He's helping me cope with things, things that happened in the war. I'm trying to come to terms with what I did and during a session with the doctor I was reminded of you and how you acted during that fateful mission in the Capitol. How devastated you were when Mitchell died, how you saw yourself trying to kill Katniss, and refused to condone that. None of it was your fault, it was all the effects of the hijacking, everyone of us knew that. And even though you wanted us to kill you, you made it through. And here you are now. You're married, you have your own bakery. It's amazing, Peeta, and I just want to thank you. Because it's so reassuring for me to see you like this. If you can find your way back from something that horrible, I can do better too."

I'm blown away by his speech, not knowing what to say. Instead I just stare at him while he continues talking. "And one other thing, I want to apologize to you as well. I was out of line, when it came to your relationship with Katniss and how I handled that. We all knew she loved you," Gale says and I raise my eyebrows questioningly. "Well maybe you didn't, but I did," he corrects himself, "And I couldn't deal with that. I thought she was mine but I had no right to put that claim on her and no right to blame you for the fact that she loved you, and not me."

"But she loved you too," I object, but Gale holds up his hands. "No, not in that way, never in that way," he says, "And it's good, you two belong to each other, anyone can see that."

"I… uhm, thank you, I don't know what to say," I stammer.

"It's really remarkable, you know," Gale says, "That you've recovered. Really."

"I have to thank Katniss for that," I tell him, regaining my speech, "It was a choice I made, to trust her. I decided I had to do that, or else nothing would make sense anymore. We were in the middle of that mission and I was losing my mind, I had to trust her, that was the only thing to do to make life worthwhile again. I guess it paid off."

"You can say that," Gale says and smiles while he looks around in our kitchen. "It seems like you two lead a good life here."

I nod, thinking about Katniss's tears this evening, but I'm not telling Gale that. How would it help him?

"And how about you?" I ask instead.

"Today was hard, but I'm doing well overall, and I have to thank a woman for that too," Gale smiles, "Cressida is truly amazing. If she hadn't believed in me and in the fact that I could overcome my past mistakes, it might have turned out very differently for me. I guess we both have remarkable women to be thankful for."

I smile at that remark. "I guess so."

We're done with the dishes and head back to the living room where I see both Katniss and Cressida look at us questioningly. No doubt curious to know what we've talked about in the kitchen. I smile at them while thinking how weird and good this talk was with Gale.

It's already past midnight when we break up the party. Katniss and I are exhausted from the tiring days we had behind us and we want to be alone. Gale, Cressida and Pollux are tired themselves as well. Cressida hugs us both goodbye, Pollux and Gale give me a firm handshake. Then there's an awkward moment between Katniss and Gale, not really sure whether to nod or hug or kiss. Eventually Gale bows forward and kisses her on her cheek once, very gentle. "Take care, Catnip," he says. "You too," she whispers, and then they're gone. We stand next to each other in the door opening watching them disappear in the dark. Katniss gives a deep sigh and rests her head against my shoulder. "Are you okay?" I ask her.

"Just very, very tired," she confesses.

"Let's go to bed." I say. I scoop her up in my arms, close the door and carry her upstairs. Katniss is already asleep in my arms, worn out after all these sleepless nights. I carefully undress her and tuck her in. Then I crawl in the bed next to her and take her in my arms. I'm thinking back on what Gale said, "If you can find your way back from something that horrible, I can do better too," and it fills me with hope. "We'll be okay," I whisper in Katniss' ear, before sleep pulls me under as well and takes us both to a peaceful oblivion.


	11. All I need

**Chapter 11 – All I need**

Antonius opens the door to the white room I've been held captive in. The room is stripped of all its furniture and I've pressed myself in the far right corner against the wall, sitting on the white tiles, making myself as small as possible.

He closes the door behind him and approaches me slowly. In his hand a menacing looking piece of torture equipment. He's here to inflict more pain, as usual. I'm trying to make myself smaller, to completely disappear into the wall behind me. Of course it's not working. Antonius notices my futile attempts at hiding and laughs at me. "I'm coming for you," he says, "There's no place to hide."

I feel my hands are grasping something made of wood, which is weird, because the room is empty and I have nothing to hold on to. Yet the material beneath my hands seems real. I look down on them and see they're empty. Something doesn't add up here.

Antonius continues to come forward, one tiny teasing step at the time. He shows me the tool in his hand. It's a syringe, but not a normal one. The needle has thorns on it like the stem of a rose. "I will insert this in you," he tells me, "There's tracker jacker poison in it so you'll hate Katniss."

"No!" I scream at him, "Never." My hands tighten around the wooden board or whatever it is. I'm trying to focus on the feel of the wood beneath my fingers. There's something in this whole situation that makes me suspect that not all of it is real. But what is? And what isn't? I can't make it out while I'm trying to give a name to what it is that I'm holding on to.

"Peeta!" I hear her voice calling me in the distance and my head jerks up. Antonius is standing right in front of me, showing me the syringe. I'm frightened. The tiles beneath me feel slippery and I see they're slick with blood. I can't tell where the blood is coming from, panicked I look around and that's when I see her. Lavinia. Long red hair, eyes staring lifeless at the ceiling. And even though she died because they gave her too much voltage, and not because of any wounds inflicted on her, she's bleeding now. Bleeding everywhere and her blood is pouring over the white tiles.

"Peeta!" Katniss sounds frantic, but she must be a hallucination because she's not here with me. I turn my neck trying to see if she's behind me, but I'm still pressed against the white wall. A hand touches my arm and I shove it away. Pushing him away from me. Antonius starts laughing while I hear a sound as if someone's falling to the ground. I hear the tinkling sound of a cup rolling over a hardwood floor, coming to rest against a wall. Someone's scrambling to get up. It's so confusing, what I hear and what I see do not cohere.

"Haymitch," Katniss's voice again, panicked. I hear footsteps approaching and then suddenly Antonius shouts at me, "You think you hear her voice, don't you! But it's not real! She's dead, and I know that because I killed her."

"No," my voice no more than a whisper now. I lose grip on the wooden board and fall down, falling deeper, darkness enclosing me. I close my eyes and wrap my arms around my legs, curling up like a ball. The darkness is thick and pressing, as if it's trying to consume me. Katniss is dead and all I want to do is follow her.

After a moment of complete silence I hear the sounds again. Footsteps, voices. Someone is getting a hold on me. Trying to pull me away from death. "Please. Let me die," I beg, but no one hears me, no one responds.

"Haymitch, be careful please," Katniss says. "Bring him to the bed."

"Yeah, yeah, sweetheart, I got him," Haymitch says. "He's not working with me."

"Of course not," Katniss again, "He's completely rigid. Watch out for his head."

It must be the weirdest conversation I've ever heard. The next thing I feel is my body lifted up, carried away from the darkness. Antonius has long disappeared and Lavinia too. Someone is laying me down on something soft and warm but I can't relax, my body taut with tension, my muscles too inflexible to move.

Katniss's voice is reaching my ears, she's singing softly, a love song. Maybe I am dead and reunited with her, I don't know. I feel hands on me, removing my clothes, warmth envelopes my right foot, the one that's still mine. Hands are massaging it and they slowly trail upwards to my calf, my knee, my thigh. The warm, strong hands on my body are sending shivers down my spine, they're working their way up to my waist, my stomach my chest. Katniss is still singing and I'm slowly returning to a state of awareness. Her hands are on my face now. "Peeta, open your eyes, you're safe now."

My eyes? I didn't even know they were closed. Very slowly, afraid for what I'll see, I open them. Katniss is hovering over me, her face very close to mine. Her silver eyes lock mine in their gaze. She's stroking my cheeks with her hands, her thumbs caressing my cheekbones. "Where am I?" I whisper. "You're home," she answers, "You're with me, in our house, in our bed."

"What happened?" I ask while I keep staring at her face, not able to comprehend the reality just yet.

"I'm not sure, I was sitting at the kitchen table, writing a letter to my mom and you were standing at the counter, kneading dough, when, all of a sudden, you dropped it and froze in your place." Katniss says in a soothing voice, while she continues to caress my face. "I asked you what's wrong but you didn't react. You turned around and grasped the back of a kitchen chair, your face completely drained of color. Your eyes were open but the expression in them was dead. As if you weren't there anymore." Katniss shivers at the memory and I see her eyes shining as the tears pool up in them.

"I don't remember that," I tell her, "The only thing I remember is Antonius in the white tiled room." My eyes widen with panic and I try to get up. "We have to get away from him!"

"No, Peeta," Katniss pushes me back into the pillow, and even though I'm stronger than her, I let her, because something in her voice tells me to trust her. "That wasn't real, it was just a flashback, you're home and safe and Antonius isn't here."

"But, what happened to him?" I ask, still not completely sure of the truth of her words.

"I'm not sure," Katniss murmurs, "I think he was executed though, shall we ask Haymitch?" She makes to get up but I stretch out my arms and encircle her. "No, please, stay with me?" I whisper.

"Of course, I'll always stay with you," she says softly while she goes to lie next to me, her head on my chest, her arms encircle my bare waist after she covers both of us with blankets.

The world focuses and falls back into place. I don't remember anything about what Katniss just told me, but I know where I am and that we're out of harm's way. Katniss isn't dead, nor am I. It was just another flashback. I let out a deep sigh and feel my muscles relax. Katniss feels it too and whispers, relieved, "Hey, it's okay, you're okay."

I nod slowly, "I know. Such a strong flashback, though, I wonder what caused it?"

"Probably all the tension from last week, with the memorial service and our squad visiting," Katniss says, "You were so concerned for my well being that you forgot to take care of yourself. But now it's your turn, I'm going to take care of you."

"If we can lie here for a while, that will be fine," I say while I caress her back, "That's all I need."

"For now maybe, but you have to stop being always so strong for me. If you have to pay the toll for that later, then what's the point?" Katniss asks, "If you're not feeling well, if you need to talk or whatever, tell me. Don't hide it away inside of you, that doesn't work. You don't have to be strong all the time."

She lifts up her head from my chest and moves so that her face is right in front of me. "I'm serious about this Peeta. I can be strong too. And this isn't the first time I told you this, too."

"I remember," I say, "And I know that. Did I scare you?"

"Yes, you did. You looked so lost and we couldn't reach you. I tried touching you but you shoved me away, so I decided to call Haymitch for help. But no matter what we did, you didn't react," Katniss tells me. "Finally you fell on the floor and Haymitch carried you upstairs and into the bed."

"And you thought that would be a good moment to strip me from my clothes?" I ask while I raise my eyebrows and smile at her.

"Yes, I thought that was the perfect moment," Katniss replies and kisses me on top of my nose. "You were stretched tight and completely immovable. So I started massaging you, I just wanted you to come back to me."

"I felt it," I say, "I felt your hands on me. It helped for me to come back. I'm sorry I scared you. And I shoved you too? Did it hurt? Please don't tell me I hurt you."

"You didn't. I fell backwards, that was all, I hardly felt it," Katniss pushes herself up and brushes the hair back from my forehead.

"Still, I don't like it. What if I did hurt you?" I state, "I have to talk to Dr. Aurelius about this."

"Don't worry about it, please," Katniss says, "It's not like I never shoved you."

"Do you really want to go there?" I ask, "Do you want to compare how much you hurt me with how much I hurt you? Because I believe I tried to kill you twice."

"That doesn't count," she says. "It wasn't you."

"Why not? It was me who did that and it was me who shoved you today."

"Peeta, please, shut up, you're really exaggerating now. It happened, it was no big deal. Just lie back and relax now, you must be drained."

I am drained, flashbacks take a lot of energy, and this one was stronger than any other I've had in a long time now. I close my eyes and Katniss goes to lie next to me again. It doesn't take long before I doze off.

Her lips softly pressed against my collarbone causes me to wake. Katniss still lies beside me and I feel her tongue gently stroking my skin. She's moving upwards, from my collarbone to my neck, until I feel her teeth grazing my earlobe. I open my eyes and turn to face her. "You're awake," she states.

"You woke me," I answer.

"That was the intention," she says mischievously. "I'm lying next to your naked body for hours now, I want mine."

Her comment makes me laugh. "You want yours? I don't think I ever heard you say something like that before. Where is that coming from?"

"I don't know, you're just freaking beautiful, that's all, I guess." She rolls on top of me and starts showering my face with sloppy wet kisses. I feel her body pressed against mine and notice she's naked too. "Where are your clothes?" I ask her, surprised, because last time I was awake she was fully dressed. "I took them off," she answers in such a tone as if it's the most stupid question I've ever asked her.

"Hmm," I say, "I appreciate that."

"That was what I was thinking," Katniss smiles at me, "Now, shut up and kiss me."

I don't need her to ask me that twice, I pull her face down to mine and kiss her, parting her lips with mine and exploring her warm mouth with my tongue. My hands on her back reach down over her buttocks and I spread her legs. Katniss moans against my mouth while I stroke her buttocks and trail further to touch her. With one smooth motion I roll us both over so I'm on top of her now. My mouth leaves hers and travels down, over her collarbone to her breasts. I cup both her breasts with my hands and kiss first one and then the other, sucking gently on her taut nipples. Katniss has her hands in my hair now, pulling me down, closer to her and I take as much of her breast in my mouth as I can, my teeth grazing over the nipple. It makes her cry out in pleasure, a sound that I'll never get tired of. So, so amazing it is to me, that I can invoke these feelings in her. My mouth travels down over her belly, kissing her belly button, her waist, her thighs. Every kiss bringing her closer to ecstasy. I finally land between her thighs and kiss her there too, my hands still on her breasts. Katniss is squirming under my touch and when she comes, I look up to see her beautiful face contorted into an expression of pure bliss. When she finally comes down from her high she pulls me up until I'm on top of her and kisses me fervently. She wraps her legs around my waist and without hesitation her hand reaches down between us and guides me inside of her.

Her warmth surrounds me completely. As we move together Katniss has her arms around my neck and she's kissing me. Everything else ceases to exist in this moment where it's just her and me in our own world that consists out of love. Our rhythm is accelerating and I'm close to my release when Katniss presses me down on her. Completely entangled in her limbs I thrust one more time and shudder my release inside of her. "Katniss," I get out before she pulls my face into her neck and makes it impossible for me to talk. I feel like I'm completely buried inside of her, she's everywhere around me, keeping me safe, holding me close. And I know she's all I need.


	12. Freeze this moment

**Chapter 12 – Freeze this moment**

The flashback I had a couple of weeks ago was a clear sign that I needed to take a break. I had worked hard since the opening of the bakery and the emotions and sleepless nights during the memorial service took their toll. The flashback itself kept me in bed for almost a week, it had drained so much of my energy that I needed days to recover. So after New Years I decide to take a few days off from work and spend them with Katniss. We go hiking in the woods, even though it's pretty cold. But Katniss and I both still have the clothes Cinna and Portia made for us, warm enough for the coldest weather. Nice leather jackets lined with fur, with gloves to match and large snow boots which makes it easier for us to trudge through the snow. We enjoy the layer of snow on each small branch, the glow of the sun reflecting it. In this winter season the woods are quiet. Most animals have hid themselves away in holes or caves. We do see some birds hopping around on the branches of a willow tree, but not much more. The beautiful stillness of the forest makes us quiet too.

It's only when we take a break and rest on a large boulder for a while, when Katniss starts to speak. "It's so amazing to see the forest change with every season," she muses, "Everything is frozen through now, but in a few months things will start to grow again."

"Teaching us to breath," I say. Katniss looks at me in surprise. I take her gloved hand in mine and stroke my thumb over the back of it. "I mean, it's like a promise, right? That what is frozen through will surface again, starts to breathe again, starts to live again. It teaches us to go on, and that after every winter, spring will come."

"You're such a poet," Katniss says, while she lays her head on my shoulder.

"I guess I appreciate the symbolism of the change of seasons," I say.

"I do too," Katniss replies, "I loved what you just said. You know it's these things you say that make me feel hopeful. When it's cold, it's like a promise that it will get warm again, something like that."

"What's wrong with us?" I ask with a smile, "We sound like two old, sentimental people."

"You've always been sentimental," Katniss accuses.

"No, I'm not!" I say, peevishly.

"Oh come on! 'I watched you going home every day.' Who says stuff like that?" Katniss mocks, imitating my voice.

"Don't tell me you didn't like that?" I say, but I'm smirking.

"I did like it," Katniss says, "I like it when you're being sentimental!"

Suddenly I wrap my arm around her and push her from the boulder in the snow. "Let me show you how sentimental I really am," I say as I get a handful of snow and fling it in her face. Katniss lets out a yelp, and pulls me down with such unexpected force that I'm falling down into the snow next to her. She rolls herself on top of me and pins my arms down with her knees. "You are so dead!" she calls out and starts to gather snow and showers me with it. After a few seconds I recuperate and wrestle myself free. We're rolling around, laughing and yelling while every part of our bodies gets covered in the fluffy white stuff.

Finally I'm sitting with my back against the boulder, my legs totally disappeared under a layer of snow. Katniss is lying next to me, she goes to position herself so that her head is on my lap. "That was fun," she gets out, breathless from the exertion. I take off my gloves and trail my hands through her hair, ridding it of the snow. Katniss looks up at my face, her eyes glittering from excitement. She reaches her hand to my face and ruffles my hair, which results in a shower of snow falling down on her face, making me laugh. My hands keep waving through her hair as I look up and see the sun setting at the horizon, coloring the world in all shades of yellow and orange. It's almost magical. I look down at my wife, who has closed her eyes, her face looks young and peaceful. And beautiful. Everything about this moment reminds me of that day, so long ago, on the roof of our training center.

My hands fall still and Katniss opens her eyes to look at me. "What?" she asks.

"I wish I could freeze this moment, right here, right now, and live in it forever," I whisper the words.  
>I see her eyes shining silver as she smiles and says, "Okay."<br>"Then you'll allow it?" I ask.  
>"I'll allow it," she says. I smile back at her but then hoist her up. "It's not possible though," I say, "Time's ticking away. Come, watch the sun set with me."<p>

Katniss goes to sit next to me, our backs against the boulder. I wrap my arm around her and she rests her head against my shoulder as we watch the sun set.

"We have to go home, it'll be dark soon" Katniss says as soon as the sun has disappeared. The sky is filled with rosy streaks and looks beautiful. But Katniss is right, so we get up and walk back home.

When we arrive back in the Victor's Village, the first thing I notice are the dark windows of Haymitch's house. The sun has set and it's completely dark in the Village, apart from the lantern standing next to the fountain.  
>"That's odd," I say to Katniss, pointing to Haymitch's house, "No lights on."<br>"He's probably just drunk," Katniss shrugs and heads for our house. "Come on, I'm cold, I want to take a hot shower."  
>"Shouldn't we check on him first?" I ask, not completely sure about Katniss' explanation, although it's the most logical one. It is Haymitch we're talking about after all.<br>"First shower, then check on him," Katniss says as she disappears into our house. "Join me?"  
>Katniss is very good in making me offers I can't refuse, and to be honest, I am cold too, the snow has seeped in my neck, making me shiver. "Okay," I tell Katniss and follow her inside, "First shower."<p>

In the bathroom Katniss lets the water run while we undress. The most difficult thing about showering for me, is my missing limb. I can leave my prosthetic on but it isn't comfortable. Therefore the shower has a build in seat, so I can sit down. Katniss helps me with the prosthetic and leads me to the seat. Katniss stands in front of me and I'm mesmerized by the water of the shower falling in rivulets between her breasts. She reaches her arms out and wraps me in a wet embrace, pressing my face agains her chest and lets her chin rest on my head. In answer I place my hands on her back, slowly caressing her waist. "This is nice," Katniss says, "We should do this more often."  
>"Hmm," I agree against her breasts, focused on the feel of them against my cheek. Katniss draws away from me a little and places her hand under my chin, raising my head upwards to face her. She bows down her own face to meet me and presses her lips against mine. Slowly, lazily we drink in the kiss, Katniss parts her lips and strokes against my bottom lip with her tongue. Despite the steam in the shower what she does gives me goose bumps all over my body. I pull her down so she's sitting on my lap, straddling me, as our kiss intensifies. My hands roam over her back and they slowly slide to her side where I feel the swell of her breast against my palms. I cup them both carefully and squeeze the tender skin, making Katniss gasp against my mouth.<p>

The water and the steam in the shower cabin makes this whole experience even more intense. Katniss' smooth skin is all slippery as I slide over her breasts, her belly, her waist. Her own hands on my shoulders get more persistent, as she massages me and breaks away from my lips to shower me with kisses. On my jaw, my neck, my collarbones. I feel her teeth as she's grazing my earlobe and whispers softly in my ear, making me feel all ticklish, "This is even better than the snow, don't you think?"

"Freeze this moment instead?" I ask. Katniss chuckles softly in my ear, "Not a chance, I want to continue."

Her hands slide down over my chest and my flat stomach, she's tracing my muscles with her fingers and leans back a bit to look at me. I'm not used to Katniss being brazen like this, but I like it. She slides of my lap and pushes me softly against the wall. "Let's find a better moment," she says as she starts kissing my chest, licking my nipples, which makes me squirm. She travels further down over my stomach and further down until I feel her warm mouth around me and let out a gasp because of the exquisite feelings she's invoking in me. "Katniss," I whisper, as I grasp her by her shoulders and pull her up so her face is close to mine, "I want you here." She nods and goes to sit on my lap again. Her hand is on me and she lowers herself down on me until I'm completely inside of her. Only then she places both her hands on my chest and starts to move on top of me. Somehow it's not good enough, though. I want her closer, I want to feel everything about her, so I wrap my arms tightly around her and press her body to mine and our mouths crash together. While we build our rhythm, our tongues dance around each other and our hands touch and caress. Freeze this moment, I think, this one. Because here is where I feel complete, where I feel whole again. Being together with Katniss in this fantastic way, where we feel warmer than the sun, brighter than the stars, and more loved. So much love, it makes my heart burst. As Katniss accelerates the pace I feel like I'm falling apart inside of her and that feeling goes beyond what words can say. Katniss reaches her climax and I look into her eyes, so beautiful, shining silver. Open wide in pure bliss. After a few more thrusts I follow her there and we just cling to each other while the water keeps falling down on us. Enveloping our love in its warmth.

After a long time Katniss finally lets go of me and turns of the water. "Before we use up all the warm water and get all cold again," she says, smiling, "I'll get you a towel, stay put."

She steps out of the cabin and hands me a towel. "I'm so hungry," she says, "I need supper."

"I'll cook you some, as soon as I'm ready," I tell her.

"No, let's do it together," she says, "I like doing things together."

We put on some dry, warm clothes and head down to the kitchen where we boil potatoes and mash them with roasted garlic and cream into a creamy puree. Katniss is adding parsnip to it as well while I cook venison steak, medium rare, perfect. The red wine gravy and sautéed mushrooms go perfectly with it, together with some caramelized onions. "Maybe we should ask Haymitch to eat with us," I say while I'm basting the steaks.

"Can't we eat with the two of us and bring him leftovers?" Katniss asks, "I mean, it's been nice like this."

I turn towards her and pull her close to me to kiss her on top of her head. "You're totally right. We'll bring something to him later."

We sit down together and eat the food. Katniss particularly enjoys it and even dabs with her fingers in the gravy. "Don't think I can't top that," I say as I take the plate and start licking it clean with my tongue. Katniss bursts out with laughter and gives a hoot, "Effie, we miss you!"

I join her in the laughter. "We should invite her again, soon" Katniss says when we've calmed down again. "And Haymitch too, after the reunion of the squad last month, they deserve a reunion too, don't you think?"

"Sounds like a great idea," I say while I get up and scoop the leftovers in a small pot. "Let's ask Haymitch if he's up for it."

We clean up the kitchen and put on our coats before we get out in the cold again. Once outside, I notice it's still dark in Haymitch's house while other houses are brightly lit. A feeling of unease starts to creep up on me. Drunk or not, Haymitch doesn't like darkness and I've never seen his house without the lights on. Katniss next to me squeezes my hand, "It's still dark," she says and the strain in her voice tells me she's worried too.

Fortunately the kitchen door isn't locked. As soon as we enter I wrinkle my nose at the smell. "Disgusting," Katniss mutters, but then raises her voice, "Haymitch!"

No answer. I switch on the light and see the kitchen is a huge mess, with moldy food on the table and dishes piling up in the sink. No Haymitch.

"Haymitch!" Katniss shouts again, and rushes through the kitchen to reach the living room. I follow her and there, only after we've turned on the light, we find Haymitch lying on the ground next to the couch, unconscious. Katniss shakes her head, "Stupid drunk." She crouches down next to him and shakes his shoulder, "Haymitch, wake up."

He doesn't react, and while that has happened more often when he's really inebriated, something doesn't feel right. Katniss reaches her hand down and touches his forehead. From her expression I see it's not good. She turns around and looks at me, her eyes wide with shock and her voice filled with fear when she says, "Peeta, he's burning up."


	13. Haymitch

**Chapter 13 - Haymitch**

In less than a second I'm down on my knees, next to Katniss and take Haymitch's wrist in my hand. His skin feels unnaturally hot and when I check his pulse it's very faint. "I'll lay him on the couch," I tell Katniss as I carefully place my arms under his body and lift him up. Haymitch is quite large and heavy, even though he's skinny. Katniss helps me as I place him carefully on the sofa. "It's too cold here," Katniss says, "I'm going to get some blankets, can you light a fire?" She's out of the room and up the stairs before I can even react. I get up and build a fire in the hearth, then I push the sofa right next to it so its warmth reaches Haymitch faster.

Katniss arrives back with a comforter and extra blankets. "Here, you cover him with this, I'm going to get medicine."

"You're the healer," I say. Katniss just shakes her head and heads out again. She still doesn't recognize the healer blood she has running through her veins. I can tell her about so many incidents in our Games in which she showed those capacities, but it doesn't matter. She doesn't see herself as a healer, she never will.

I go to the kitchen to get a cloth and moisten it a bit with water. Back in the living room I sit at the edge of the couch and put the cloth on Haymitch's forehead. "Haymitch," I say softly, "Can you hear me? Haymitch?"

He doesn't react. It's obvious that he lost consciousness a while ago. What could have caused this? I'm racking my brain thinking about the last time I saw or talked to him and I'm cursing myself for not paying better attention. Wasn't he complaining about his throat hurting the other day? I know I was being selfish this past week. Only wanting to spend time with Katniss and not willing to do anything else. How stupid of me. As if I don't love Haymitch too. As if I wouldn't be devastated if anything happened to him. While I'm busy giving myself a hard time, Katniss comes back with medicine.

She kneels down next to Haymitch and without hesitation she jams a needle into his upper arm. "This must help bring the fever down," she says, more to herself than to me. She opens his shirt and starts to put pressure on his chest with the tips of her fingers.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"I'm trying to find out what the problem is," she answers in a hushed voice, "I'm thinking maybe it's pneumonia and I remember my mother checking people's chest…" her voice falters. "I don't know, Peeta, I don't know what I'm doing and I'm scared."

She sits up and covers her face with her hands. I reach out and put my hand on her knee. "It'll be okay, Katniss," I say, "I'm sure, now that we're here, we can coax him back to health."

"We don't even know what's wrong with him, Peeta!" she practically shouts at me as she impatiently wipes my hand from her leg. "Maybe he had a heart attack, maybe it's alcohol poisoning, I don't know!"

"Katniss."

"No, I can't do this." She gets up and just like that she runs out of the room and out of the house. I hear the door slam and know she's gone.

Haymitch is stirring as if he's aware of what's happening and I take the cloth from his forehead, not sure what to do now. Do I need to stay here and take care of him or do I need to follow her and bring her back? I also know when Katniss is in such a state, it's hard to reason with her. Haymitch stirs again and I see his eyelids flutter open. I hover over him and whisper, "Haymitch, Haymitch, can you hear me?" He looks at me but doesn't react whatsoever. "Haymitch," I whisper, more urgently, "Can you tell me what's wrong?"

His eyelids close again and I know he's beyond my reach. Suddenly I'm so mad at Katniss for running out on us. And for what, really? She must be scared, I get that, but I have no idea what to do and I can't believe she abandoned me like this. In a rush of anger I run out of the door and into the street of Victor's Village. "Katniss!" I scream, "Come back here!" I hear the anger in my own voice and know that even if she hears me, she won't listen. It frustrates me even more. "Katniss!" I scream at the top of my lungs.

"What's wrong, Peeta?" A voice comes from the darkness and then I see Greasy Sae approaching me from the direction of her house.

"It's Haymitch," I tell her, "He's really sick and we don't know what's wrong with him. Katniss panicked and ran out on us. I don't know what to do, Greasy Sae. Should I stay here or go after her?"

"Let's check on Haymitch first, okay?" Greasy Sae says and leads me back into the house. I go to sit in the rocker while she checks on Haymitch. "He has a fever alright," she says, "Guess it's pneumonia. Saw him yesterday outside, feeding his geese, wearing only a thin short sleeved shirt. I told him it's too cold out and he'll get sick. He was a little drunk, didn't react."

"But he's unconscious. Isn't it more than just a little pneumonia?" I ask.

"Pneumonia can make you pretty sick," Sae says, "And with such a high fever, it's common that the body loses consciousness, it needs all its energy to get the temperature down."

"So what do we do?" I ask. "Katniss gave him something for the fever. Can we do something else?"

"For now not much to do. Maybe he can use some antibiotics. But we need a doctor for that," Sae says.

"Should I go into town and find the doctor? Or call her?" I suggest.

"Call her sounds like the best idea, I think." Sae replies.

I go to the study to call the doctor, while I'm cursing myself for not having thought of that before. I guess Katniss and I are so used to being self sufficient that the idea of calling a doctor isn't something that first comes to mind. Doctor Mason answers the phone herself and I explain to her what's wrong. She promises me to stop by with the antibiotics in an hour.

Back in the other room, I see Greasy Sae has rearranged the blankets and put the cloth back on Haymitch's forehead.

"So, Katniss ran off, huh?" she asks and I nod. "She reminds me of him," Sae says, "They are so stubborn, both of them. I remember him coming into the Hob before his Games. He was cunning, good in getting what he wanted, smart in his trades."

"Did he hunt, too?" I ask, surprised to hear something about Haymitch from before his Games.

"No, but his mother was a gifted woman, she was very good at knitting and sewing and he used to trade off her shawls and clothes for food and supplies in the Hob. I don't know where they got the material, the wool, but they always seemed to have plenty and he knew how to handle it," Greasy Sae muses, "After his Games, it wasn't necessary anymore, and even though he still came to the Hob, he was changed. Of course that was due to the fact that his entire family was killed."

"Do you know what happened to them?" I ask. I remember thinking about Haymitch's family and wonder about them, but I don't think I ever heard anyone talk about it.

"They were murdered with poison," Sae says solemnly, "We all believe Snow did it. Haymitch had only just returned and was still busy with giving interviews. But they'd already moved into the house in the Victor's Village. One day he came home after one of the last interviews and he found them all dead at the kitchen table. I believe there even was a note addressed to him, I'm not sure though."

"That's awful," I say and I look at Haymitch, lying so still on the couch. Such a lonely life must he have had after they all died. Until Katniss and I came along.

"It sure is," Sae agrees. "That's when he started drinking."

"Maybe I should go find Katniss," I say after a moment of silence, but Sae shakes her head. "I think you'd better wait for her to return on her own," she says, "Katniss is stubborn, Peeta. You are always so willing to reach out for her, but she should also learn that she can't always run from the difficult things in life. Sometimes she needs to stay and fight and I believe she needs to figure that out for herself now. And on top of that, if Haymitch wakes it would be good if you are here. Because he needs the people he loves around him. You need to consider who needs you the most right now, and I think it's Haymitch."

"You're right," I say slowly. "He needs me the most. It's just, I worry about her when she runs off like this."

"Katniss can take care of herself," Sae says, "I'll make us some tea and wait with you for the doctor."

"Thanks."

The doctor diagnoses Haymitch with pneumonia and gives him some medicine. She tells me it will be best to stay with him overnight, to check if the fever drops. "Once the medicine kicks in he'll be fine," she says, "But stay with him, just in case."

Both Doctor Mason and Greasy Sae leave and I settle in a rocker next to fire. After a couple of minutes I doze off.

_Katniss is standing in the middle of the room, screaming at me that she can't do it. That she won't do it. The white tiles are slick with blood and I'm panicking. I can't see where the blood is coming from and I'm begging Katniss to help me, to stay with me. "I won't!" she screams, "I can't do it!"_

_She turns and runs away, leaving me alone in the white room. Abandoned by her again._

"Peeta, wake up," Katniss tells me, her hand on my shoulder, shaking me awake. I open my eyes and look at her standing in front of me. I feel disoriented for a moment because we're not in our bed, not even in our own house. But then I remember. "You're back," I say instantly, "When did you came back?"

"A couple of hours ago," she says, "You were asleep, I didn't want to wake you. Haymitch seems a little better."

"Sure he is," I say coldly, "Because I called the doctor and she gave him antibiotics. You, on the other hand, thought it necessary to abandon us and run off."

I get up from the chair and walk to the kitchen where I fill a glass of water. I drink it standing at the sink, staring through the kitchen window to see the first light of dawn streaking over the horizon.

When I turn around I see Katniss standing in the entrance of the kitchen. "I'm sorry, okay," she says and I hear the tremble in her voice, "I just freaked out because I thought he'd die."

"And you thought it would be a good idea to run off and leave me alone with him?" I ask.

"I wasn't thinking about you," Katniss says, which only makes me more angry.

"That's the problem, isn't it. You never think about me. You just take me for granted. You think you can walk away and come back whenever it pleases you," I spit out, "What am I to you? Some second choice after Prim died? Someone to calm you when you have nightmares?"

"That is so unfair," Katniss says and I see she cringes while tears pool in her eyes, "I can't believe you said that. You really think you're my second choice?"

"Well, aren't I? What if Prim was still alive? Would you have married me? Didn't you choose to be with me because you can't survive without me?"

"What?" she stares at me in disbelief. "Peeta, what are you talking about? Why are you saying these things?" The tears in her eyes spill over and roll of her cheeks.

I don't really know why I'm saying these things. Because I felt abandoned by her, I guess. But do I really believe what I say? I know she loves me, right?

Katniss wipes with the back of her hand over her eyes. "You know what," she says, her voice a little calmer, "The second most important person in my world is lying sick on his couch and I'm going to take care of him instead of listening to you talking nonsense."

She turns and walks back to the living room while I think about her words. The second most important person. I know what she tried to tell me with that. That I am her number one. Suddenly I feel utterly ashamed for saying such mean things to her. About Prim even, I'm surprised she didn't hit me in the face. I rush to the living room where Katniss is sitting next to Haymitch, replacing the cloth for a fresh one.

"I'm sorry, Katniss," I stumble, coming to a stop half way through the room, "I shouldn't have said that. I shouldn't have. I know it's not true."

She looks up, her eyes still teary. "Do you really think you're my second choice, though?" she asks.

"I don't know," I say softly, "I felt so abandoned last night."

"I love you more than anything in this world," Katniss whispers, "And it wasn't my intention to abandon you yesterday. But you were never my second choice."

I bite my lip as I stare at her.

"Do you remember when you gave me that locket on the beach in the clock arena?" Katniss asks, "And you told me that I was your whole life, and that you'd never be happy again if I died and you lived?"

"I remember," I whisper.

"Well, that's true for me too. You are my whole life, Peeta. And I love you and I'm sorry for leaving you last night. For leaving you in that arena. For leaving you when you were hijacked. For everything. I'm sorry." Her tears are flowing over her face again and that's more than I can handle. I cross over to her and pull her up and in my arms. "I'm sorry too, for saying these things I just said." I whisper in her ear, "I love you too, I love you too."

We stand in each other's embrace for a long time and cry because of all the anxiety we experienced last night. "Let's do this together, okay?" I ask, "Take care of him together. He needs us now."

Katniss nods and we let go of each other and turn our attention to Haymitch. Katniss puts a hand on his forehead. "It looks like the fever has broken."

I look at my wife taking care of Haymitch and I'm thinking that this is our life now: We take care of each other. We mend each other.


	14. Winter cold

**Chapter 14 – Winter cold**

Katniss is hovering over Haymitch, rearranging the blankets as I sink down in one of the rockers. A hectic night, almost sleepless with high running emotions has left me exhausted. I see the tension in Katniss's shoulders and know she's not feeling particularly happy either. I haven't even asked her where she's been since I was too busy with being angry and feeling like a hand me down, since her obvious first choice isn't available. I know I'm being petty, but this insecurity keeps gnawing at me. I'm reminded by that day back in Thirteen where Katniss couldn't even admit her love for me. 'Everybody said I do,' she'd answered and that made me so mad. And even though it's in the past and I'm married to her now, it still sneaks up on me every once in a while and it's almost impossible to fight against it. Katniss and I are so broken and that is bound to surface and clash every once in a while. I close my eyes and try to relax but instead I'm reliving the fight we just had and I feel so ashamed for using Prim on her and so lost and alone at the same time. It's like the solid ground under my feet isn't as solid as I thought it was. It feels more like quicksand at the moment and the more I struggle against the suffocating feeling of depression, the stronger it sucks me in. Deeper and deeper. Images of blood, pain and torture start to form in front of my eyes and I sit up suddenly and open them wide to take in my surroundings and make sure that the reality is that I'm sitting in a rocker in Haymitch's living room. That's what's real.

At my sudden movement Katniss looks up. "Are you okay?" she asks and the concern in her voice is genuine. _She loves you_, I tell myself. Don't believe anything else, you know what is true. I nod tiredly. "I'm sorry, Katniss," I whisper, although I've already said that before. "I'm sorry for what I said and for how life treats us in general."  
>Katniss gets up and walks over to the rocker, she squats down in front of me and cups my chin with her hand, forcing me to meet her eyes. "I refuse to accept that Peeta," she says, "It was cowardice of me to walk away, but I decided to not give in to it and go back. True, it took me a few hours to realize that, but I came back."<br>"Why did you?" I ask, "What happened that made you come back?"  
>"I realized something," Katniss muses while she lets go of my chin and places her hand on top of mine, caressing the back of my hand with her thumb. "I realized I love you and I love that stupid drunk too," she nods with her head in Haymitch's direction and smiles. "And loving someone means not leaving them behind. This is what matters and what makes life worthwhile. Not hiding by myself in the woods. I've had enough of that."<br>"You love me?" I say and I hear the astonishment in my own voice. Why am I still so surprised to hear her say that?

It's as if Katniss can read my mind because she asks me the exact same question. "Why are you still so surprised when I say that? Is it because I ran off? Can't you see that that has nothing to do with you? But that returning has everything to do with you."  
>I register the hurt in her voice and realize that I've made a mistake. I have made a promise to her that I'd trust her and I broke that promise. "I'm such a mess," I reply, "I should have trusted you and I'm sorry for not doing that."<br>"You're not a mess, Peeta," Katniss says while she gets up and crawls on my lap. "And stop saying sorry all the time. You're just hurt, that's all and I'm the one who should feel sorry and there's not a day that goes by in which I don't blame myself for what happened to you." I wrap my arms around her and pull her a little closer to me. "I don't think you blaming yourself is useful for either one of us, you only end up giving yourself a hard time and why would you do that?" I ask her, "All I want is for you to be happy. Don't blame yourself for me or for anything else. You did what you did because you thought it was the right thing to do. You couldn't know the results, so you're not the one to blame. I don't blame you, so don't blame yourself."

"But if I hadn't-" Katniss begins.

"No," I interrupt her and I put my finger on her lips. "Don't go there, Katniss. It's no use. You're not the one who hijacked me, you're not the one who ordered those bombs, you're not the mutt that killed Finnick."

"But they're dead because of me," Katniss whispers and she hides her face in my neck. Our roles are reversed again. Her comforting me changed into me comforting her and I don't mind it, it's just another proof of how much we really need each other and rely on each other. I caress her back and tell her in a low voice that that's not true. That there were others who used us as pawns in their games and that we couldn't do anything about that. "Place the blame where it needs to be placed," I tell her, "And then let it go. Because it's in the past now and we need to stop looking at the past and start looking at the present and our future together."

Katniss says nothing in reply but I feel her hand caressing my waist and I know she's listening to me. It's just, these words need repeating, these conversations need repeating. Her telling me she loves me, me telling her to let go of the past. We need the reassurance and the confirmation time after time. So we'll give that to each other as long as needed and even beyond that.

Haymitch starts coughing and in reply Katniss gets off my lap and practically runs towards the couch. His eyes flutter open and he looks at her in bewilderment, "What? Where?" he croaks out. "Don't talk, Haymitch," Katniss says while she brushes the hair from his forehead. "You're fine, you're just sick, that's all. I'm thinking you have pneumonia and you need to rest. But don't worry, Peeta and I are here and we'll take care of you. Is there anything you need?"

Haymitch shakes his head and looks at her with feverish eyes so intently as if he's seeing someone else. "Laurene," he whispers. Katniss shakes her head. "I'm not Laurene, Haymitch."

She looks at me concerned and raises her eyebrows. I shake my head, no idea who he's talking about. "Maybe someone he knew who looks like you?" I suggest.

Haymitch grips Katniss's wrist, "Laurene!" he says again, with more vehemence now. "No, Haymitch. I'm Katniss," Katniss says. I walk to the couch and go to stand next to her. "Haymitch, do you know me?" I ask. He looks at me for a second but then his eyes fly back to Katniss. "Laurene," he repeats.

Katniss shakes her head, "He's delirious," she says, "It must be the fever."

At that moment the doorbell rings. "I'll get it," Katniss says, "Can you stay with him?"

But when she tries to walk away Haymitch reinforces his grip on her. "Don't go, don't leave me," he whispers.

"I'll go," I say and hurry to the door where I find Doctor Mason waiting. "Hello, Peeta," she says, "I'm here to check on Haymitch, how did he do during the night?"

"Mostly out of consciousness," I say, "But he's awake now and mistaking Katniss for someone else."

"Let's go check on him."

Back in the living room we find Katniss sitting on the edge of the couch telling Haymitch she won't be going anywhere. Doctor Mason introduces herself to Katniss and goes to investigate Haymitch. He's reluctant to let Katniss go but the doctor is persistent and finally he gives in. Katniss comes to stand next to me and grabs my hand. "This is scary," she says, "he still thinks I'm Laurene. I believe she was his girlfriend. She died, did you know that? Snow killed her and his family too."

I nod, "Sae told me that last night, they think it was poison."

"Makes sense," Katniss whispers, "Snow's favorite weapon."

After a few minutes the doctor gives Haymitch some medicine and gestures for us to come to the kitchen. "I gave him extra antibiotics and something for the fever. He's asleep now. It would be best if you could stay here, just in case he wakes up, but I don't think he will for the next couple of hours."

"Of course, we'll stay," Katniss says immediately.

"Very well," the doctor says, "I'll come back to check on him tomorrow."

"Thank you, doctor," I say and walk her to the door.

The next couple of days Katniss and I stay in Haymitch's house together to take care of him. I've called Garrett and we decided to temporarily reduce the opening hours of the bakery, because he and Delly can't cover for me all the time. It's a good thing the population in our district is still so small that running the bakery is easy enough for one person in half the hours.

Katniss and I keep ourselves busy with cleaning Haymitch's house, cooking extravagant dinners, playing chess and talking. About our insecurities and our feelings. I don't think Katniss and I have ever talked so much as we talk now. I tell her about the doubts I sometimes feel, the moments when I'm scared that she'll leave me or that she doesn't love me. Things we've discussed earlier but still need repeating. We need to hear from each other again and again, that yes, we love each other, and no, we won't ever leave. We've already promised that in our vows. Yet hearing it one time is never enough.

Haymitch recovers gradually and at the end of the week his fever is gone and thankfully he recognizes both of us for who we are.

January passes by uneventfully, thank goodness. Haymitch gets better so Katniss and I can go back to our own house. We do check on him more often than before and make sure he's doing okay. He told us just before we left, that he was very grateful for what we did for him, it was very uncharacteristic and made us all feel awkward. He also stopped drinking for a couple of weeks, but that didn't last. "I wonder what it will take to get Haymitch to stop drinking for good," Katniss asks me one night, after we've dumped him on his couch after dinner at our place.

"I don't know, but it's going to be something life changing," I answer as we walk back to our own house, our fingers entwined.

"You know we totally forgot about our plan to invite Effie over," Katniss says when we enter the house.

"Oh yes, we were going to ask her!" I say, "I guess all this drama with Haymitch made us forget about it."

"So when do you want to invite her?" Katniss asks.

"Hmm," I say, "Maybe for my birthday, although that's almost two months away."

"No, that's fine," Katniss reacts, "Don't forget Effie needs to plan these things thoroughly. She needs at least two months notice." She nestles herself down on the couch while I go to the kitchen to get us a glass of wine. "Do you want to have a birthday party?" Katniss asks when I return and hand her a glass.

"No, not really," I say, "But it could be a nice occasion for her to come visit. Or did you have something else in mind?"

"Not me," Katniss says, "I'm not into birthdays that much." With that she strokes absentmindedly over the pearl on her finger. Then she looks up and smiles at me. "But I loved this present."

"Did I ever tell you it was Effie's idea to put that pearl in a ring?" I ask.

"No I don't think so," Katniss says, "But it does sound like something she could come up with."

"And you like it, nevertheless?" I say, raising my eyebrows at her. Katniss smiles and takes my hand. "You know, jewelry was never high on my list of things that are of some importance. But this one, this one is special."

I smile back, put my glass on the table and pull her into a tight embrace. "I'm so happy you like it," I whisper into her hair.

"I love it," Katniss says back to me, "I love it and I love you." She tilts her head back and presses her lips against mine, soft and warm. Our lips melt together in a long, leisurely kiss which leaves us breathless in the end. We break away from each other to gasp for air, but then Katniss pulls me to her again and kisses me with more force, pressing her body against mine. I feel the arousal in my stomach and my need for her, as I feel every part of her body through her clothes. I lift her up from my lap and lay her down on her back and kiss her again, traveling down from her lips to her jaw, her neck, her collarbone. I'm fumbling with the buttons on her blouse, and pull it off her, exposing her white bra and her perfect olive skin. By now I'm an expert at taking off bras and as soon as the piece of clothing is discarded, I bow down over her chest and take one of her nipples in my mouth, sucking gently on it. My hand is on her other breast, kneading and massaging it while Katniss whimpers under my touch. Her hands are on me now, tugging at my shirt. I break away from her breasts to take it off so she can roam her hands freely over my back and my chest.

The need we have for each other never diminishes, the fire keeps building up between us while we kiss and touch each other. It doesn't take us long to fully undress. Our hands are everywhere, kneading, touching, stroking. When Katniss takes me in her hand and strokes over my length I'm trembling in anticipation, knowing what lies in front of us. Our love celebrated by exquisite feelings of pleasure and fireworks. I touch her too, my fingers finding a rhythm of applying pressure which makes her reach a powerful orgasm in such a short amount of time, that it's almost disappointing. Almost. When Katniss comes down from her height she reaches for me and pulls me on top of her. Without hesitation her hand is on me again and she guides me inside of her.

I thrust into her slowly, enjoying every second and concentrating on the wonderful feeling of her warmth all around me, enveloping me in her love. After a while our rhythm starts to build and my thrusts become more frantic. Katniss is gasping and moaning and I reach my hand between us to touch her again. My fingers expertly touch her most sensitive spot and after a few more thrusts the coiling in my belly starts to explode. Katniss arches her back and presses herself against me as she comes. When I feel the contractions of her orgasm around me I let go and follow her to heaven where I find my release and my body collapses on her. Katniss immediately wraps her arms around me and presses me close, making sure I put all my weight upon her. "Hold me tight," she whispers.

We lie still like this for a couple of minutes but then I roll off of her and with that I fall from the couch on the hardwood floor. "Ouch," I get out.

I hear Katniss chuckle from above me. "What was that?" she asks while her head appears in my periphery. "I fell from the couch." I simply state. Katniss lets out a laugh, "I gathered that," she grins, "But how come?"

"I don't know, I wanted to release you from my weight." I say while I touch my head with my hand.

"Come here," Katniss says, still smiling and pulls me back on the couch. I go to lie on my back, my arms around her as she lies on top of me. She covers us with a throw blanket and lays down her head on my chest. "I told you, I don't mind your weight upon me," she says with a chiding voice. "I know, I'm sorry," I say while I pull her a little closer to me.

"You don't have to apologize to me," Katniss says, "I didn't fall."

"I wasn't," I say, "I was apologizing to my head."

Katniss lets out a laugh again. "Good," she says.

Even though we're still on the couch, and not in our big comfortable bed, we don't feel the urgency to move, so we stay there and fall asleep together. Limbs entangled, glasses still half full with wine, the fire burning in the hearth. With the winter cold outside, being warm and close to the fire is just what we need. Fire and ice, I think, while I'm drifting to sleep, it's nice to feel so warm inside.


	15. From days to weeks to months

**Chapter 15 – From days to weeks to months**

Effie was very pleased with our invitation and when I told her on the phone about Haymitch's illness she was genuinely concerned. She told me she was sorry that she hadn't come to visit us sooner, since she hasn't seen us since the opening of the bakery and how she missed the memorial service in December. "I was adamant about coming, but I had a role to play in the ceremony in the Capitol," she explained, "So I'm delighted to come for your 19th birthday! So young, still!"

Katniss and I haven't told her about our toasting yet, so I'm guessing she's in for a big surprise when she finds out.

On the day before my birthday, March 20, Katniss and I go to the train station together to pick Effie up. When she steps on the platform and sees us waiting for her, her eyes get all teary and she pulls us into a tight hug. "It's so great to see you again," she says, "It's been so long! How are you? How is the bakery?"

"Hi Effie," I reply, smiling at her enthusiasm. "We're good, thank you, and the bakery is good too. Do you want to go there to eat a sandwich?"

"Or a cheese bun," Katniss adds.

"Oh, I'd love too!" Effie beams and together we walk across the square to the bakery.

The shop is empty when we enter. "Delly!" I call out. We hear stumbling in the kitchen, and then Delly appears at the door opening to the shop, her cheeks red and her hair tousled. "Oh, hi, Peeta. Sorry, I was just-" she stumbles. Katniss and I share a smile. It's clear that Delly and Garrett are into each other and funny to see how they're trying to hide something the rest of the district already knows.

"No worries," I say, "We just came to have some lunch."

"Great!" she says and she gives the three of us a wide smile. "What do you want? Garrett just made some pastries and we also have some cheese buns left from the batch you made this morning. You want a cheese bun, Katniss?"

"Yes, thanks. You want one too, Effie?" Katniss asks.

"Well, I would like to know what all the fuss is about," Effie says.

"Peeta makes the best cheese buns in the world," Delly tells Effie. "And Katniss is addicted to them."

As if trying to prove Delly's words, Katniss already has a huge bite of the cheese bun in her mouth.

"I'm really curious," Effie says as she takes the cheese bun from Delly.

After lunch we take a tour through the district, showing Effie the progress we're making and then we take her back to our home in the Victor's Village, where she'll stay for a couple of nights. "It's good to see this district back on its feet," she tells us over tea, "There's been talk in the Capitol about arranging new elections and I believe it's in Paylor's favor that you're doing well here."

"Why would there be new elections?" Katniss asks, "She's only been president for over one year now. Isn't it a bit too early?"

"Word is that since her election was done in time of pandemonium, people think the results were fraudulent," Effie says. "People are suspicious."

"But why? I mean, is there any cause for them to be suspicious? She's doing a fine job, isn't she?" I say.

"I agree with you, Peeta," Effie says, "But there are always people who complain, who think things should change. Some even want things back like they were before."

"Are you kidding?" I hear Katniss voice rise in anger, "You're not serious, are you?" I recognize the fear in Katniss's voice and understand why she'd feel like this. Like I felt during the voting for a new Games, the idea that all of our losses are for nothing. The idea that there's still threat and fear in our lives even after the rebellion.

"Now I don't think they mean it," Effie hurries to say, "And there are just a few, people who used to be in the high ranks and are now condemned to this new style of life."

Katniss gives a snort and gets up. "Ridiculous," she paces trough the kitchen and adds, "If new elections come at least I'm allowed to vote and I'll vote for Paylor."

"And I'm sure a lot of people will do the same," I say as I get up and pull her into an embrace. "I don't think you have to worry about that, Paylor is a popular president and I'm sure no one wants to go back to how it was before. At least none of the people living in the districts."

"Peeta is right," Effie agrees. "Don't worry about anything now, it's time for celebrations, not for concerns about things that are just rumors."

"Come to speak about celebrations, Effie, we forgot to tell you," I say and smile a mischievous smile, "Katniss and I are married now, we had our toasting in November."

"In November!" Effie claps her hand on her mouth in surprise and then gets up and wraps her arms around both of us. "My darlings, I am so happy for you!"

Together we have a toast with a glass of wine and then head for bed. Because, as Effie says, tomorrow is another big, big, big day!

The next morning Katniss wakes me with a surprise birthday breakfast in bed. She's made sausages with tomatoes and toast with baked eggs and a chocolate muffin. "You made the muffin yourself?" I ask her, surprised.

"Yes, but I used a recipe from one of your cookbooks," Katniss smiles and gives me a kiss, "Happy birthday, Peeta."

In answer I put the tray on the nightstand and pull her in my arms for a long kiss. "I don't think anyone has ever made me a muffin before," I tell her when we break apart.

"Don't get too excited, though," she says, "It may very well taste awful."

"I don't believe that," I say as I take the muffin from the tray and take a bite. "Hmmm, tastes wonderful," I murmur, inhaling the sweet chocolate flavor and savoring the bite. I feed Katniss half of it and together we eat the breakfast she made. "What about Effie?" I ask her.

"Still asleep, we'll eat something together with her later I guess."

Later that morning, Haymitch comes over for coffee and cake. Effie hands me a present from the Capitol, telling me Haymitch told her to get it. It is a machine for kneading dough, which makes the process of baking much easier. "Thanks so much," I tell Haymitch, surprised that he came up with the idea.

"I have to give your business partner credit for the idea," he confesses, "First I asked Katniss, but she didn't have a clue, so I went to Garrett and he was nice enough to suggest this."

Katniss shoots him a look and puts an arm around my shoulder. "I'm afraid Haymitch is right," she says, "I'm no good with presents."

"You gave your sister a goat, once," I remind her.

"That's true," she nods and her face darkens at the memory. I shouldn't have brought it up. When it comes to Prim, Katniss' grief is still fresh. I wonder if she'll ever get better. "Sorry," I whisper.

"That's okay," she waves me away, "I did find something for you, though." She hands me a box and when I unwrap and open it I find a chocolate fountain. "You can dip cake in it, or strawberries," Katniss says. "Of course you need to add chocolate too, so I ordered it from the Capitol."

"And did you buy this for me or for yourself?" I tease her. When she scowls at me I pull her to me. "I'm kidding, I love it. Let's try it tonight," I tell her, "Do you remember our first reaping, how we drank hot chocolate on the train?"

"I do remember. It was delicious," Katniss says. I cup her chin in my hand and kiss her softly on her lips. "Thank you for this wonderful present."

Garrett and Delly, Greasy Sae, Thom and a couple of others come to visit us in the evening and we have a good time together. It's nice to be with friends and celebrate together.

A few days later Katniss and I bring Effie back to the train and after that life turns to normal again. Spring arrives and Katniss goes out hunting on a daily basis. We get out of bed early, me to go to the bakery, and most days she walks with me and then heads for the woods. The afternoons she spends gutting her game and bringing it to the butcher, next to the bakery. Then she comes to get me and we go home together. We get a routine. Haymitch joins us most evenings for dinner. Days turn to weeks and weeks turn to months.

When summer comes, the train arrives with more and more people to live in District Twelve. One day Hazelle shows up with her younger kids. I meet her in the bakery where she tells me she intends to open a spa here. "Are you sure people want a spa?" I ask her.

"People here don't even know what a spa is," she tells me, "But I'm going to introduce it and it'll be a great success, I'm sure of it. Because luxury is not just for Capitol citizens anymore. It's for everybody." She tells me her kids are only here for the summer. When school starts they'll go back to the Capitol where they will live with Gale and Cressida. "They're engaged, soon to be married. It's scheduled at the end of the summer."

"Oh that's great," I reply, "Will they marry in the Capitol?"

"Probably yes," Hazelle says and she frowns a bit, "It will be without any customs from Twelve."

"It doesn't have to be," I tell her, "When you go I'll bring you some freshly baked District Twelve bread, so they can have a toasting."

Hazelle smiles at my suggestion. "Thank you, Peeta. I'm sure they'd love that. And maybe you and Katniss want to come as well?"

"Katniss isn't really willing to leave this district," I say, "And I'm not sure she'd want to come to the Capitol, neither do I, truth be told. Too many bad memories."

"I understand," Hazelle nods, "And too much is broken between them." She sighs but then smiles and changes the subject. "Gale told me you two got married?"

"Yes, in November," I say, "Maybe it was a bit fast."

"As I recall, that wedding was originally planned earlier," Hazelle says, "And after all you've been through, I don't think it's fast. Congratulations."

"Thank you."

"You happy?" she asks.

"I am. We are. I mean, we still struggle sometimes. Katniss lost her sister, she's still not over that. I don't think she ever will. And I, well I sometimes suffer from flashbacks and bad memories. But overall, we're lucky. Because we have each other, and that counts." I tell her honestly.

"It sure does," Hazelle agrees, "Not so star-crossed after all, who would've thought."

With that she shakes my hand and leaves the bakery, in search for an apartment.

That evening, when I tell Katniss about the engagement of Gale and Cressida, she smiles and nods. "Good, I'm happy they're getting married. It's good."

"Hazelle invited us to come," I say, "But I told her you wouldn't want to go to the Capitol and neither would I."

"Very true," Katniss says, "And it will be too weird to be honest, to witness them getting married. And Gale…" She falls silent for a while, takes a deep breath and continues, "Gale and I, I still can't get past what happened. With Prim, I mean."

"I know," I say softly, while I trail my hands through her hair.

"Does that make me a bad person?" Katniss asks me, "Should I try harder to forgive and forget? I never was the forgiving type."

"I don't think you can force yourself to forgive or forget. It doesn't work that way. Of course you can try, and it takes time, don't forget that too." I say, "But you can't force it, Katniss. So don't tell yourself you're a bad person because you can't forgive him."

She looks at me questioningly. "But to do nothing," she halters, "I can't do nothing."

"I'm going to bake them some bread for the toasting." I say.

"Maybe I should write them a short note to go with that bread," Katniss suggests.

"Sounds like a good idea."

When summer ends, on the day the Hawthornes leave for the wedding in the Capitol, Katniss gives me an envelope that holds a card. I take it out and read it.

_Dear Gale and Cressida,_

_Hazelle told us about your engagement. Peeta and I wish you both all the best in the world. And we wanted you to have a little piece of District Twelve tradition to add to your special day. Be happy._

_Katniss and Peeta._

"Very good, it'll go well with the bread," I smile. Together we walk to the bakery where I bake a perfect loaf of bread and pack it into a Mellark Bakery's box. Then I wrap it in some plain paper and put a string around it. "Looks yummy," Katniss says, "Let's go bring it to Hazelle."

We drop of the bread together with the envelope and wish them a good trip and fun at the wedding. Hand in hand we trudge through the district. It looks nothing like it did when I returned to Twelve, one and a half years ago. Amazing how fast we were able to build it up again. The factory for the medicine manufacturing is finished and offers job opportunity for hundreds of people. Most of the shops in the square are up and running. A new and enhanced Justice Building had its grand opening last week and our mayor lives there now.

The bakery is going well, Delly suggests hiring extra staff and David and Daniel also give us a hand some of the days, helping their father preparing dough, just like I did when I was their age. Maria, our new employee is a hard worker and a cheerful girl, about eighteen years old and eager to work. She is Thom's girlfriend, who's working in the fields now. The mines are closed and he has plowed the ashes into the ground, together with a couple dozens of others he started farming, growing several types of grains and vegetables. This fall will be their first harvest and I hope to be able to buy some of their products for the bakery. District Twelve is almost self-sufficient now.

"What are you thinking about?" Katniss' voice wakes me from my reverie.

"I was thinking how we chose to make this a better place," I tell her. She squeezes my hand and I smile at her. "We chose to live and I'm so happy for that. For a long time I didn't believe it was possible, but here is the living proof, in our very own district. We are strong, we survive, things are good again."

"They really are," Katniss smiles.

"Can I ask you something?" I turn towards her and we come to a stop. "Last year you said you were too afraid, when I told you you'd be a great mother. Do you still feel that way?"

Katniss stiffens and her eyes darken when she looks up at me. "Yes I do, why are you asking me this?"

I can't help but feel the disappointment at her answer, although I'm not really surprised. "Because I still believe you'd be a great mother," I tell her, "And we'll be so happy."

"No, we won't," she answers firmly, "I wouldn't. I'd be scared as hell."

"At first, maybe," I plead, "But it will go away, and there are no Games, no Games looming over our kids."

"Our kids," Katniss repeats with a sarcastic laugh, "You already talk plural. Please, Peeta, do yourself and me a favor and stop talking about it. It's not going to happen."

She turns and walks away and I let her, not willing to follow her and continue this argument, even less willing to follow her and change the subject. Instead I stay glued to the ground I'm standing on and look around. This is my district, this is my home. I feel disappointed because of what Katniss said but I feel hope too. She'll change her mind one day and we are going to be so happy. I'm sure of it. We are coal pressed into pearls.

End of part 1

**A/N This is the end of part 1, Coal. Part 2, Pearls, will be set a little further in the future. But I'm going to take a short break with CPIP, since I'm working on WKMHB now and my exams are coming up. Also, I am sad to say that I'm experiencing some pain in my wrists these days which means I have to take it easy with working at a computer, so I'm forced to slow down a bit. That being said, I do plan to write Pearls. It's going to be a short break!**

**Thanks so much for reading and leaving comments, means a lot to me :)**


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